


The First

by JordanAlix



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: DLC Spoilers, Depression, F/M, Headcanon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Spoilers, Suicide Attempt, Survivor Guilt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-27
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2018-01-10 05:40:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 36,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1155771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JordanAlix/pseuds/JordanAlix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Saren, Sovereign, and the geth. Harbinger and the Collectors. The entire Reaper fleet. Josslyn Shepard is no stranger to dealing with impossible situations…and solving them. But how will she deal with the aftermath of the Reaper War…and having lost her lover?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dossier--Shepard

**Name** : Shepard, Josslyn Joanna

 

**Date of Birth** : April 11, 2154

 

**Service No.** : 5923-AC-2826

 

**Class** : Vanguard

 

**Pre-Service History** : Spacer

 

**Psychological Profile** : War Hero

 

**Preferred Weapons** :

-M-77 Paladin (heavy pistol)

-M-23 Katana (shotgun)

-M-12 Locust (submachine gun)

-M-8 Avenger (assault rifle)

 

* * *

 

**2183** :

-Appointed first human Spectre

-released the rachni queen

-talked Urdnot Wrex down

-Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams; KIA on Virmire

-Rescued Terra Nova from asteroid drop

-Saved the Citadel Council

 

**2185** :

-Revived by Project Lazarus

-Entered romance with Thane Krios

-Shut down “Project Overlord”; David Archer sent to Grissom Academy

-Destroyed the Collector Base

-Destroyed the Alpha Relay

 

**2186** :

-Continued relationship with Thane Krios (now deceased)

-Cured the genophage

-Made peace between geth and quarians

-Destroyed the Reapers

 

* * *

 

**FIELD NOTES, 2186**

 

Commander Josslyn Shepard found amid London rubble. Shepard immediately transferred to temporary medical facilities; is now under care of Major Dr. Karin Chakwas.

 

Dr. Chakwas’ medical report follows:

 

Patient’s injuries are thus:

 

-Simple fracture, left ulna

-Compound fracture, right humerus

-Right leg bones essentially pulverized

-Sternum fractured in two places

-Fractured clavicle

-Cracked mandible (right side)

-Several cracked vertebrae

-Punctured right eardrum

 

May have damage to brain and nervous system; cannot determine level of damage until patient regains consciousness. Additionally, some muscles may atrophy, depending on duration of convalescence. Considering how long Shepard was buried, and the extent of her injuries, it is a miracle she survived at all.


	2. Wake Me up

_He’s bathed in light, like an angel. “Josslyn…”_

_“Thane?” I reach for him, but there seem to be endless miles between us. “Thane…”_

_The light suddenly glows bright red. His eyes are staring at me as he starts to burn. “Wake up, siha. Wake up…”_

 

* * *

 

My eyelids feel heavy. I can hear machines beeping next to me. Trying to call out, I manage a small moan. A hand is on mine in a moment. A quick squeeze. A voice calling my name. “Josslyn?” I can’t make out the voice. _Thane?_ I try to call out, but yet again, just a moan.

 

A different voice this time. “She’s not ready. Turn up the sedative.”

 

The beeping fades…

 

* * *

 

_“Three against one. It’s over.” I level the barrel of my pistol at the enemy’s chest._

_“No,” he says with a grin. “Now it’s fun.”_

_I watch as Thane gracefully drops behind him, surprising the foe. They exchange blows for a few moments, then…the flash of a sword. There’s blood…Thane falls…_

_“Thane! No!”_

 

“Shepard! Stop!” I feel several pairs of hands holding me down. I try to push them off.

 

“No! NO! I have to…!”

 

“Keep those IVs in her! Damn it, give her another dose and knock her out or we’re going to lose her!”

 

Slowly, the voices fade…

 

* * *

 

_I reach to caress his face, but he pushes my hand away. He walks to my desk, leans on it. I see a tear course down his cheek, and as it falls, he slams his fist into the desk. “I have worked so hard. Meditated and prayed and done good deeds. Atoned for the evils I’ve done. Prepared.” He turns away from me. “I consider my body’s death, and a chill settles in my gut. I am afraid, and it shames me.”_

_In an instant, I’m by his side, reaching for his hand. “Thane…” I pull him up to face me, gently. “Be alive with me tonight.”_

_He smiles. “I wish I could, but you must wake up.”_

_“What? No.”_

_“It will be all right. Wake up, siha.”_

 

* * *

 

I hear a mechanical beeping next to me. After a moment, I start to feel cold—like ice is coursing through me. I try to speak, but only manage a moan. It seems vaguely familiar to me. Have I been awake before?

 

A hand grasps mine. “Josslyn?” I manage to open my eyes a crack. Though it’s blurry, I can tell it’s a human face above me. As my eyes adjust, I see more clearly; dark brown hair streaked through with silver, tied in a bun.

 

“M-mom?” I croak.

 

“Oh, thank the Maker,” she sighs. “I thought you’d never wake up, honey.”

 

“W-w-where am I?”

 

She smiles. “The newly-built hospital. Well…partially built, at any rate. Ashley Williams Memorial.”

 

My lips crack themselves into a smile. “Ash would love that.” My throat is dry, and I swallow, trying to moisten it. “Still in London?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“How long have I been here?”

 

“Not long. There was a _lot_ of cleanup to do before we could even start rebuilding.”

 

I blink. “Um…how long have I been asleep, then?”

 

“Eight months.”

 

“Eight months?!” I try to sit up, but my body’s too sore to respond. “Eight…no. No.”

 

“’Fraid so.” She shakes her head. “You’ve had the best medical care, though.”

 

“Mom…”

 

She holds up her hand to shush me. “Joss, considering you spent two years _dead_ , eight months in a coma is a small price to pay to have saved the galaxy, honey.”

 

I open my mouth to respond, but at that moment, a familiar face appears at the door. “Shepard, you’re awake.”

 

“Doctor Chakwas.” I smile.

 

“I think we’ve been through enough to call me Karin, don’t you?” She walks to my bedside and studies the monitors on the machines for a moment.

 

I chuckle. “If I remember right, didn’t we have that conversation awhile back? That I would call you Karin when you called me Josslyn?”

 

“Which I will never do.” Now she reaches to check my IVs. “At any rate, how are you feeling?”

 

“Bit thirsty. Sore, too.”

 

“That’s to be expected. You were…” She glances at my mother. “I don’t know…”

 

“Tell her, Karin.”

 

“All right.” She doesn’t look at me; she looks back to the monitors. “You were buried under quite a pile of rubble, Shepard. I’m not sure what caused it—not sure I want to, either—but you weren’t found for almost two weeks. You were declared MIA—very nearly KIA.”

 

“Well, it wouldn’t be the first time.”

 

She laughs. “True. But you’ve been in a coma for the last eight months because of it.”

 

I shift slightly on the bed. “I’ve…I think I’ve been dreaming.”

 

“I’ve been monitoring your brain waves. You have. Very vividly, as well.” She finally looks at me. “Do you remember what you were dreaming about?”

 

I open my mouth, but a sudden feeling of dread washes over me. I don’t want to tell her. “Is it important?”

 

Immediately, I know she knows I’m stalling. “About a week ago, you had such a vivid dream that you nearly pulled your IVs out.”

 

I sigh. Though it’s fading, I know which dream she’s referring to. “It was Kai Leng. I was…chasing him. On the Citadel.”

 

My mother clears her throat. “You actually cried ‘no’ to something…or someone.”

 

“I-I didn’t want him to get to the Councilors.”

 

Small strands of hair come loose as she shakes her head. “Josslyn, stop dodging. What was it?”

 

“It’s really not important.”

 

“That’s all right,” Chakwas says. “When you want to talk about it, you will. But I won’t press you.” She starts toward the door. “I’ll be back to check on you later, Shepard.” As she leaves, the door closes behind her.

 

Now my mother is staring daggers through me. “Josslyn…”

 

“What? I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

“Who is this Kai Leng, anyway? Boyfriend of yours?”

 

I hope the look on my face conveys the horror I feel at that notion. “Hell no! He was an assassin The Illusive Man sent after the Council, when Udina tried to seize power.”

“Oh. Oh! Right. I remember reading about that now.” She’s silent for a moment. “But I don’t see how dreaming of chasing him would make you try to claw out your IVs.”

 

I sigh. There’s nothing for it. I have to tell her. “All right. I lied.”

 

“Thought so. Who was it you were dreaming about?”

 

“Well, it _was_ Kai Leng. Partially. But…” I swallow, trying to drown the butterflies in my stomach. I’m hoping it’s the painkillers unsettling me. “It was Thane.”

 

She raises an eyebrow at me. “Am I supposed to know this Thane?”

 

“I’m sure you’ve heard of him, Mom. He saved Councilor Valern from being assassinated.”

 

There’s a moment of silence, then she nods. “Thane Krios, right?” I nod. “Wasn’t _he_ an assassin, too?”

 

“For the hanar. But he…well, retired. Sort of. After the mission against the Collectors.” I draw a shaky breath. “We sort of…well…” I can’t say it. I don’t know why but my mouth won’t form the words.

 

But from the look on her face, she knows. “Oh, Joss.” She wipes away a tear I wasn’t aware had escaped. “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”

 

I nod, and in that instant, the floodgates open for certain. Silent sobs rack my already-sore body. “He…he kept telling me to wake up. But…but…”

 

She pats my hand while I cry. After what feels like an eternity, the tears subside. “You know, the mass relays are working again. I’m sure we could send someone to get him, if you want.”

 

It takes everything I have left not to start sobbing again. “H-he died, Mom.”

 

I hear her curse under her breath. “Joss, I-I didn’t know.”

 

There’s silence between us for a long time. I feel a few more tears slide down my face and onto the pillow. Just saying it aloud hurt more than I could have imagined.

 

“Is there anything I can get for you?” Her voice is soft, soothing.

 

I sigh, closing my eyes. “Sorry, Mom, but there’s only one thing in the galaxy I want. And I’ll never have it again.”

 

“Thane?”

 

“…Happiness.”


	3. Lost In You

Six Weeks Later

 

I can’t believe how quickly London’s been rebuilt. Or, rather, newly built. I’d scarcely have believed it was London if my mother hadn’t specifically told me; it looks more like Illium now. Some of the other races apparently stayed on Earth to help humanity rebuild. It looks like a whole new city.

 

I still haven’t been discharged from the hospital, but at least I’ve been moved to a room with a window. And I’m allowed to get up and walk, so my muscles don’t completely atrophy, and to test out my rebuilt leg. So I spend most of my time pacing, trying not to think. I get restless easily now. No one to go rescue. No one to fight. Just time to sit and think. Pace and think. Stand and think. Think, think, think. And that’s the last thing I want to do, because inevitably, my thoughts turn to Thane.

 

It hits me most often in the middle of the night. When I doze off, I can see his face. Or I have vivid dreams about him; always ending with him telling me to “wake up.” I feel lost when I first wake up; half the time crying out for him, the other half simply crying—every time realizing the harsh reality. He’s gone.

 

As I stare out the window, watching the people walking in the streets, a figure catches my eye. A drell. The first I’ve seen since before The Battle. He stops in front of the hospital doors to let a few people out, and I catch a glimpse of his face. It looks a little familiar, though I can’t place from where.

 

I hobble over to the armchair and slowly lower myself into it. I’m still sore, but not the unremitting pain of the past weeks. I lean back, staring at the ceiling. I try to think of a song, the specs of my pistol—anything to keep my mind from going back to _that_ place. Chakwas thinks I haven’t noticed, but I know she’s been giving me antidepressants. Not that they’re working. I keep having dreams—flashbacks, even.

 

_“When a memory feels as real as life, it's as valid as life. Thinking about a moment brings back the smell of cut grass, the warmth of another's hand on yours, the taste of another's tongue in your mouth. Wouldn't you rather lose yourself in such a memory than spend the night alone, staring at walls of metal and plastic?”_

 

“Quiet, you,” I whisper, a smile tugging at my lips. “You know I would.” I feel a tear start, but I won’t let it fall. As quickly as it formed, it’s gone.

 

A quick rap on the door draws my attention, though I’m confused by it. I’m not expecting anyone today. “Come in,” I say, unlocking it remotely with my omni-tool. I lean back in the chair and stare at the ceiling again as the door opens and shuts.

 

“Hello, Commander Shepard.”

 

With a start, I sit forward, nearly falling out of the chair. “Kolyat? What are you doing here?”

 

He smiles. “I was contacted by a mutual friend of ours, though I don’t know how she found me. Dr. Liara T’Soni? She said you were in need of a friend.” He shuffles his feet uncomfortably. “And…so am I. Something…something has happened. Something I am at a loss to explain.”

 

I motion for him to sit in the other chair. “I haven’t seen Liara since I woke up. My mother must have called her. But what’s happened?”

 

“I am not sure you would want to hear it.”

 

I study his face for a moment. “Your father?”

 

He nods. “His body was being stored for transport back to Kahje after the war, at my request. But…” He sighs. “It never arrived. They loaded some of the bodies onto civilian ships when we evacuated the Citadel. I am not sure which one he was on, but none of the ships have been in contact since before the Reapers were destroyed.” He looks at the floor. “I did not expect them to be in contact right away. Not with having to repair the relays and the comm buoys. But…after this long…” He’s quiet a moment, and I can’t bring myself to say what I know we’re both probably thinking. “And no one seems interested in finding a few missing ‘cargo’ ships.”

 

“Cargo?”

 

“That is the word that was used. ‘Cargo.’”

 

I sigh. “That’s just…disgusting.”

 

He’s quiet again. “I wonder, Commander, if you would find it so distasteful if you had not been…close…with my father.”

 

“I would still find it as wrong as I do now, Kolyat. I was taught never to speak ill of the dead. And referring to them as ‘cargo’ is just disrespectful.” I stare back up at the ceiling for a moment, then back to him. “You know, I used to be pretty good at finding things other people thought were gone. The rachni, the Reapers…”

 

He nods again. “Do you think the Alliance would allow you, though?”

 

I sit forward a bit, smiling. “I think after saving the galaxy, I’m probably allowed a little leeway.”

 

As Kolyat is about to speak again, there’s another knock at the door. “Come in?” The door hisses open, and in steps my mother, followed closely by the rest of the Council. “Councilors,” I say quietly. “Please forgive me for not standing up.”

 

“That’s quite all right, Commander,” Tevos says. “It is good to see that you’re recovering.”

 

“How are you feeling?” Sparatus asks.

 

“A bit sore, but I’m sure it will go away in a few days or so.” I glance at Kolyat awkwardly, but he is staring out the window at the skyline. “But what brings you here? I would have thought if you wanted to speak with me that you would have called me to the Citadel.”

 

Tevos smiles. “The Citadel is still undergoing repairs. But we are not here on official business. Rather, we have some business of our own.”

 

“Yes,” Valern cuts in. “You’ve saved our lives a few times now, not to mention the entire galaxy. We are in your debt, and so, on behalf of the galactic community, we would like to repay you.”

 

“Repay me?”

 

Tevos nods. “Yes, Commander. We are prepared to offer you anything.” She glances over at my mother. “Councilor Shepard mentioned you might already have an idea of what you would want.”

 

I sigh. _Anything? Sounds too good to be true._ A quick glance at my mother shows she knows what’s on my mind. “Councilors, this is quite a generous offer, but I’m afraid what I want…it is not in your power to give.”

 

“Still, name it, Commander,” Sparatus says.

 

My heart’s racing. I can’t look at them, so I opt for the floor. “I would wish to see the man I love again.”

 

They’re quiet. A full minute passes. Then another. “C-Commander Shepard,” Valern finally stammers. “That…that we cannot do. The dead cannot return.”

 

“Yet you know that’s not true. I’m proof of that.”

 

“The Illusive Man spent a fortune bringing you back to life, it is true,” Tevos says quietly, “but we do not have the resources to spare to bring one man back to life. If we do it for one, we must do it for all.”

 

“Not to mention the ship carrying his body is missing,” Kolyat chimes in.

 

“And for that, we are not responsible. Nonetheless, we are sorry.”

 

“Is there anything else?” my mother asks after an eternal pause.

 

“Only one.”

 

“You have only to name it,” Sparatus says.

 

“A cure for Kepral’s Syndrome.” I glance at Kolyat; now he’s staring right at me, wide-eyed. “I lost Thane to…to it. I would hate to lose another person I care about to it.”

 

Tevos and Valern share a concerned look. “The hanar have been working on a genetic adaptation for quite some time,” Valern says after a moment. “The salarians have now joined them in the endeavor. However, it may not be finished for several years.”

 

“Why not? If you’ve been working on it for so long, why shouldn’t it be ready sooner?”

 

“Commander,” Tevos says before Valern can answer. “As I mentioned before, it is a matter of resources. We are using all we can on rebuilding our worlds. After that is done, we may be able to send more help to our scientists. However, there is no guarantee the genetic adaptation will even work.”

 

“It is as complex a matter as creating the genophage was,” Valern interjects. “It may take several tries to create an effective cure.”

 

“I am sorry, but right now, a cure for Kepral’s Syndrome is little more than a dream, Commander.” Tevos looks at me, and while her expression betrays nothing, I sense…pity. “Is there anything else we might do for you instead?”

 

I can’t even bring myself to look at them. I’m trying not to show it, but inside I’m fuming. _We’ll give you anything you want…yeah, right. I knew it sounded too good to be true._

_“Siha, I think you knew they would say no. Especially to reviving me. Some things it is not in their power to do. And without a ‘cure,’ what would be the use? I would soon leave you in the same way.”_

 

I can barely keep my hands from shaking. Tears are stinging in my eyes. _Thane…they said anything._

 

_“Yet they’ve said no, and with good reason. Others have lost loved ones as well. You are not alone in your grief. Would you wish them to suffer, knowing you will get something back that they cannot, and using resources that could better be used building their future?”_

The tears threaten to fall, but I won’t let them. I won’t let them see me cry. _But I saved the galaxy, damn it. I’ve earned some happiness, haven’t I?_

_“They are grateful to you for what you’ve done, Josslyn; they always will be. But do not pout like a child over their decision. That is not the woman I fell in love with.”_

 

Against my will, a tear manages to sneak out. _I’m sorry, Thane._

 

“Commander?” I glance up quickly. They’re all staring at me, Tevos most intently. “Anything?”

 

I wipe the tear away, but almost immediately, others follow. “No.” I wipe the tears away with the back of my hand. “It seems I’ve asked for too much already. And I would not have you sacrifice the future of others for my own personal happiness.” I look up at them. “When the worlds are rebuilt, and people comforted, perhaps then…maybe then, I will request something.”

 

“I see,” Tevos says. “Well, I hope you will at least accept our gratitude for what you have done. For us all.”

 

“I do, Councilor. Councilors. Thank you.” With signs of deference to me, all but my mother leave the room. Once the other councilors are gone, she stares me down with her famous Look.

 

“Really, Josslyn?”

 

“Don’t start with me, Mom.”

 

“Bring him back? You couldn’t find a nice _healthy_ man to fall in love with?”

 

I set my jaw, the tears now stopping. “Are you pissed I fell in love with an alien? Are you actually _pissed_ at me over that? Is that what this is?”

 

“I’m not pissed he’s an alien, Joss, but _sick_? You knew he was dying, and you _still_ decided to sleep with him? What were you thinking? What if he’d gotten _you_ sick?”

 

“Mom!” I motion with my head toward Kolyat. “You could be a little more respectful in front of his _son_!”

 

“It’s all right, Commander,” he says almost under his breath.

 

“No, Kolyat, it’s not.” I look at my mother. “I thought about it, I did. Not falling for Thane. But…you can’t dictate who you fall in love with. It just…happens. And Kepral’s Syndrome doesn’t work that way, Mom. I couldn’t have gotten sick from Thane.” I stare at her for a moment. “You seemed just fine with it the first time I told you.”

 

“Because I thought you’d mourn a bit, and then move on. But you seem absolutely intent on just…living in the past.” She shakes her head. “Half the time I come in here, you’re staring at the ceiling, mumbling to yourself. Thane this, Thane that.” There is silence for a moment. “You’re going to have to accept it, Josslyn. He’s dead. He’s not coming back. At some point you have to move on with your life.”

 

“This from the woman who vowed to ‘never love anyone again’ after Dad died. Who swore she’d sooner go to the grave than fall in love with the ‘wrong man.’ When did _you_ move on, Mom?”

 

“Don’t you…!” She points a finger at me, but after a moment, it drops. “You’re right. I’m sorry. It’s just…I don’t want to see you alone forever. At least for my part, I had you. But Joss…”

 

“Mom,” I sigh. “I’d rather be alone forever, still loving Thane, than settle for someone just because he’s there, alive. That wouldn’t be fair to anyone.”

 

“I understand that, honey, but please…at least think of what Thane would want for you.” She heads toward the door, and at the last minute, stops and turns to me. “Do you think he’d want you to have come so far, done so much, and now be forever living in a memory?” The door hisses shut behind her as she heads off down the corridor.

 

“Living in a memory?” Kolyat says after a brief silence. “What does she mean by that?”

 

“I…” I take a deep breath. “I’ve had nothing to do, so I keep thinking about him. It just happens without me thinking about it. I try to think of other things, but then I hear him talking to me about it, so…I start thinking about him, and before I know it, I’m having an entire conversation all over again.” I shrug. “I-I don’t know if that makes any sense at all…”

 

“ _Tu-fira_ ,” he mutters. “It makes sense to me, Commander.”

 

“Kolyat, call me Joss. Or Josslyn. Anything but ‘Commander,’ please.”

 

He glances at me with a half-smile. “All right, Josslyn.”

 

_“Perhaps not ‘Josslyn.’ Do you want to be reminded of me whenever he speaks?”_

 

 _Damn it, Thane. I probably will be anyway; he sounds just like you._ “Maybe just Joss.”

 

“Whatever you wish.”

 

“Now, let me call Admiral Hackett. Let’s see if we can go find your father.”


	4. The Hero

“Shepard,” Hackett booms. “Glad to see you’re up and about.”

 

“Thank you, sir.” There’s a long pause. I want to ask about the war, but at the same time, I don’t. “I-I assume the Crucible worked? The Reapers are gone, so it would seem to have worked properly…”

 

“Yes, Commander, it worked. The Reapers are history. And we’re not. All thanks to you.”

 

“And the cycles before us, sir.”

 

“But you’re the only one we can thank in person.”

 

“And what about the other synthetics? EDI and the geth?”

 

“EDI is fine. The geth…were fine, as far as we knew. Both needed some repairs, but…” He pauses. “The quarians and geth have been out of communication for a few months now. We don’t know what’s going on. But you didn’t hobble down to the QEC hopped up on painkillers to ask about the war, Shepard. What is it?”

 

“I… Sir, there’s a small group of civilian ships that have gone missing.”

 

He shakes his head. “I heard about that. Transporting bodies back to their home worlds, and they get lost. Shame. But we don’t have the manpower to go searching for them right now.”

 

“What if I were to go looking for them? I seem to have a habit of finding things that were supposed to be lost. And it’s not exactly hazardous work. Just find a few ships and make sure their comms are working. Put them in touch with their respective command HQs, and…” I trail off.

 

He’s silent for a moment, hand to his chin. “You’d want the Normandy, I assume, for this?”

 

“And Joker, if he’s still able to fly it.”

 

Another contemplative pause. “All right, Commander. Normandy, Joker, and I’ll try to find some of your old crewmembers for this. Acceptable?”

 

“If I may, Admiral? I’d like to bring Kolyat Krios with me, as well.”

 

“Kolyat Krios? Why?”

 

“It’s…sir, his father’s body may be on one of the ships.”

 

“Thane? The drell who died protecting Councilor Valern?”

 

“Yes, sir.”

 

He looks unhappy. “Very well, Commander, but I hope you’re not undertaking this _just_ to find the body of one man.”

 

“No, sir. The bodies of all the dead should be returned to their rightful homes.”

 

“All right, I think you’ve earned a bit of a joy-ride, Shepard. The Normandy and your crew will be in touch soon. Hackett out.” I salute, and he returns it. The QEC clicks off.

 

* * *

 

I’ve moved the armchair so I can sit in it and look out the window. I can’t see the people walking on the street, but I can see the skyline. It’s beautiful. Ships flying in the distance, workers moving up and down scaffolding like ants…

 

My eye catches a familiar silhouette among the ships. The Normandy SR-2. My ship. I break into a smile.

 

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” a familiar voice croaks out from behind me.

 

I don’t even have to turn to look at the visitor. “Hello, Kaidan.”

 

“Heya, Shepard.” He walks over and sits down in the other chair. “And I thought Vancouver was beautiful.”

 

“It might look like this, too, now.” I smile. “Hell, it might look better than this.” I turn toward him. “So, Major Alenko, what brings you to Williams Memorial?”

 

He laughs. “Hackett sent me. Something about ‘one last mission with Shepard’?” He leans forward, clasping his hands together. “What’s this about?”

 

“We’re just going to find some lost ships. That’s all.”

 

“Uh-huh.” He stares at me, unmoving. “What’s the _real_ mission here, Shepard? Lost ships sounds like a ruse to me. What are we actually going to find?”

 

“Lost transport ships. Civilian registries. They’re carrying…” I take a deep breath. “They’re carrying some of the deceased that were on the Citadel.”

 

His head tilts slightly to the left. “Oh, I see.” There’s silence for a moment. “You’re trying to find Thane’s body, aren’t you?”

 

“That’s…not the primary purpose of this, Kaidan.”

 

“Yeah, sure. Come clean with me. If you’re just going after these ships for him…”

 

“You really doubt me, Major?” Quite by accident, it comes out sharper than I intended it to.

 

He holds out his hands, palms toward me. “Whoa, hold on. I’m behind you, a hundred percent, no matter what. You know that. Just…well, if I’m asking you to be honest, I should be.” He sighs. “Hackett didn’t just send me to go along with your mission. I’m supposed to, uh, keep an eye on you.”

 

“What do you mean ‘keep an eye on me’?” The second the words are out of my mouth, I understand. “They think I’m a danger to someone?”

 

There’s a long pause. “To yourself, Shepard.”

 

“What?”

 

He sighs again. “Apparently your mother and Hackett have been talking. About you. A lot. They think…they think you might want to…well, _join_ Thane.”

 

“Really?” I’m furious, but I don’t want to show it. It’s not Kaidan’s fault. “You think the same thing?”

 

“I don’t know what to think. But from what I’ve been hearing, it’s like…” He pauses. “You’re not yourself anymore, is what I’ve been hearing. That the Shepard who saved the Citadel, the Shepard that defeated the Collectors…it seems like she died when you charged the beam.” He shrugs. “At least, that’s what I’ve been hearing. Like I said, I don’t know what to think.”

 

I’m silent, staring at the floor. What do I say to that? What _can_ I say to that? “I wish I could explain it to you,” I finally say, “but I can’t.”

 

“Shepard…”

 

“Kaidan, I was always a military brat. I only really joined the Alliance to make my mother happy. After the Blitz, well…” I shrug. “Like I said, I got a little more noteworthy than Mom expected. And then…and then the Reapers happened.” I look up at him; he’s staring at me, his hands on his knees. “That Shepard that everyone knew, the one who saved the Citadel, took down the Collectors and the Reapers…that’s not who I wanted to be, Kaidan. It’s who I _had_ to be.”

 

He tilts his head. “I don’t understand.”

 

I chuckle half-heartedly. “I was always a really girly girl. Long hair, dresses, the whole nine yards. I loved to dance; I wanted to be a ballerina.”

 

He smiles. “Really?”

 

“Yeah. Seems silly now.” I sigh. “When I joined up, that all had to change. No more extra-long hair. I traded in dresses and ballet shoes for armor and guns. I…I guess I’ve sort of regretted that these last few years.”

 

“Shepard, no one else could have done what you did.”

 

I laugh, looking out the window for a moment, then back at him. “That’s such bullshit and you know it, Alenko.”

 

“No it’s not. After the beacon on Eden Prime…”

 

“Which nearly grabbed _you_ , remember?” I shake my head. “If I hadn’t pulled your ass out of the way, _you_ would have been the one with the visions. Not me.”

 

“Yeah, and no one would have listened to me, Shepard. You were already being considered to be a Spectre. I was just a lieutenant.” He sighs. “If it had been me with the visions, we’d all be dead now. The Reapers would have won.” There’s silence in the room for a minute. “Yeah, okay, maybe you didn’t want to be the hero when you joined. But you are now. Who you were is in the past. You’re Commander Shepard, galactic savior. People are writing songs about you.”

 

I smile. “I have an idea. Why don’t _you_ be Commander Shepard for a while? Too much pressure for me.”

 

“I’m not pretty enough.”

 

Now I have to laugh. “Well, you’re still prettier than Garrus.”


	5. Hard Restart

The new spaceport is amazing. As I walk through, however, I notice I’m attracting stares. “Kaidan,” I whisper.

 

“What?”

 

“Is there any way you can get people to stop staring at me?”

 

He shakes his head. “Not without looking like a jerk, Shepard.”

 

“Somehow I’m okay with that.”

 

A laugh. “Just walk faster. They’ll stop when you’re out of sight.”

 

Continuing down the concourse, I glance out the windows. The Normandy’s hull is reflecting the sunlight, making her glitter. I smile. I couldn’t have ever asked for a better ship.

 

Stopping just before the gangway, I turn to Kaidan. “Is everyone aboard?”

 

“As far as I know, Commander.”

 

I nod. “All right, then. Let’s get to it.” I turn and start down the gangway. For a moment, a chill runs down my spine that I can’t quite understand, but I manage to push it away just as the airlock hisses open. After the brief decontamination protocol, the inner door opens. I’m greeted with familiar sounds; the soft beeping of machinery, the hissing of the air ducts, the quick snap of voices. I feel home again.

 

Kaidan steps in front of me. He opens his mouth—probably to announce my arrival—but I put my hand on his arm. “Don’t,” I whisper. I’m not ready for all the pomp and circumstance just yet.

 

He promptly closes his mouth and nods. “I’ll go find Kolyat for you.”

 

“Thanks.” Quietly, I begin to follow him toward the CIC, but a voice rings out before I get halfway.

 

“Hey, Commander!”

 

I smile, turning and walking back to the bridge. “Hello, Joker.”

 

The co-pilot’s seat turns toward me as well. “Hello, Shepard.”

 

“EDI.” My smile widens. “How’ve you been?”

 

Joker smiles. “Pretty good. EDI needed a hard restart after you kicked the Reapers asses, but pretty fine other than that.” He shakes his head. “And once again, you survived something impossible. Does Death just not want you or something, Shepard?”

 

“Death will have to take Shepard sleeping, for if she’s awake, there will be a fight.” EDI smiles. “That was…”

 

“A joke. I know.”

 

“Actually, no. You are incredibly difficult to kill, Commander.” She cocks her head to one side. “Kaidan and Kolyat are waiting for you in the conference room.”

 

“Thanks, EDI.” I look at Joker. “We have to pick up Liara on the Citadel.”

 

He turns back to the controls. “Heading there now.”

 

“Thanks. Talk to you two later.” I start toward the conference room at a brisk pace. I notice a small bag near the elevator, but for the moment, I’m not concerned. Sense tells me it belongs to Kolyat. As I reach the door, it opens. I expect a scan, but see the scanner’s been shut off. The inner door opens as I draw close, and both Kolyat and Kaidan turn toward me. They both look stiff and angry. “Problems?”

 

“No, Commander,” Kaidan says, his tone not entirely honest. Kolyat just stares at the table, his hands balled into fists.

 

“All right, what is it?”

 

“I just…it’s nothing, Shepard.” From behind him, I hear Kolyat chime in the same sentiment.

 

I sigh. “Fine.” I turn toward Kolyat. “Have you been assigned quarters yet?”

 

“No, Commander.”

 

“Well, you might be comfortable down in the Life Support area. It’s a bit dryer than the rest of the ship.”

 

He looks up at me. For a moment, he looks like he wants to say something. But after a moment, he seems to think better of it. “Thank you.” He glances at Kaidan, then leaves the conference room.

 

As soon as he’s out of the room, I walk to the table and look at Kaidan. “ _Now_ would you care to explain to me what that was all about, Major?”

 

“It was nothing, Shepard.”

 

I pound my hands on the table. “I have _zero_ tolerance for bullshit right now,  Alenko. Either tell me what the problem is or get the hell off my ship.”

 

I can hear him swallow nervously. “Okay, okay. We were having a…disagreement.”

 

“No shit! _What about?!_ ” I can feel my temper rising, but I’m not sure why.

 

He sighs. “About you.”

 

Now I’m just puzzled. “Me? What about me?”

 

“I told him that Hackett asked me to keep an eye on you. He said that was unnecessary, since someone—he wouldn’t say who—had asked _him_ to do the same thing. I pressed, but he wouldn’t tell me who. So we got into a little argument over who should actually watch you.” He looks at me, a tiny smirk on his face. “I told him I should probably do it, since I’ve known you longer and know what to look for.”

 

“Oh, you do?” I’m furious again. “And what exactly is it you’re looking for, Kaidan?”

 

He’s silent. “I…I’m just following orders, Shepard.”

 

“Well, I’m countermanding them, Alenko.”

 

He looks up at me sharply, anger in his eyes. “What?”

 

“You heard me, Major.” I start to walk away.

 

“Shepard, you can’t do that!”

 

I turn back to him, biotics flaring. “You _really_ want to cross me?” After a moment, he shakes his head, and I let the biotics drop. “Good.”

 

He crosses his arms. “I still don’t trust Kolyat. Not when I don’t know who sent him.”

 

“I know who sent him, and I trust him.” I turn toward the door. “And I expect you to keep out of my business. Tell Hackett whatever you want, but I’m not a danger to anyone, including myself, damn it.”

 

I walk briskly into the staging area between the CIC and the conference room—and slam into Kolyat. “Sorry,” I mutter to him, distracted and pissed at the same time.

 

“No, Joss, I’m sorry,” he says. “I should have told him, but I…I promised her only you would know.”

 

“What, Liara?” I look over my shoulder; Kaidan still hasn’t decided to leave the room, apparently. “Liara and Kaidan helped me stop Sovereign, Kolyat. Dropping her name isn’t a bad thing.” I sigh. “And she asked you to keep an eye on me?”

 

“Yes. She asked me to watch you to make sure you didn’t kill yourself.” He’s blunt. It’s refreshing for a moment.

 

Then the urge to punch a hole in the hull comes back. “And you think I’ll hurt myself?”

 

He hesitates. “Joss…”

 

“No, Kolyat, just…no!” I take a deep breath. “I’ll tell you what I told Kaidan. Whatever you’ve been asked to do, you are to disregard it. I expect you to keep out of my business. Tell Liara whatever you want, but I’m not a danger to anyone, including myself, damn it.” Before he can speak again, I walk out into the CIC.

 

He’s hot on my heels. “Joss, wait.” He grabs my arm just as I reach the elevator.

 

Incensed, I turn and hit him with a low-power throw field—just far enough to toss him into Kaidan, now emerging from the doorway, and knock them both on their backs. “ _Leave me alone!_ ” I walk into the elevator and slam the button for my cabin. I breathe a sigh of relief as soon as the doors close.

 

_“Siha…that was unnecessary.”_

 

“Shut up.” The elevator opens, and I walk into my cabin. Just as I left it—including my fish. Nice to see someone’s been feeding them in my absence.

 

_“They care about you, Josslyn. And they will only worry about you all the more now, after that display.”_

 

“I said, _shut up_!” I slam my fist onto my desk, accidentally shattering a datapad. I stare at it for a moment in disbelief. My hand hurts a bit, but…it’s not broken.

 

I’m shaking. Slowly, I make my way over to the bed. I sit on the edge and close my eyes. Trying to relax, I take a deep breath. There’s a strange scent in the air. Familiar, but yet, I know it shouldn’t be here. I feel a hand on my shoulder. _“It will be all right. Wake up, siha.”_

 

Instantly, my eyes snap open. “Thane?” I whip my head around, looking, but… The scent’s gone. He’s not here. He’s gone.

 

“Thirty minutes out from the Citadel, Commander,” Joker’s voice comes over the intercom.

 

I fall back onto the bed and curl up. I can’t contain it anymore. Without trying to stop, I let the tears come.

 

* * *

 

“Shepard?”

 

Startled, I let another low-power throw field fly. However, the target’s protected. “Sorry, Liara,” I mutter, sitting up. “You scared the shit out of me.”

 

The barrier drops. “I assumed that when you tried to knock me on my ass.” She sits down on the edge of the bed. “Kaidan told me what happened in the CIC. What’s gotten into you, Shepard?”

 

“I don’t know,” I say, wiping my eyes on my sleeve. “Was I asleep?”

 

She nods. “Joker apparently called you when the Normandy docked, but you never answered. Kaidan and Kolyat said no one had spoken to you since at least thirty minutes before that. We were a little worried.” She reaches over and puts a hand on my shoulder. “Kaidan and Kolyat both offered to come check on you.”

 

“Why didn’t they?”

 

“I was afraid you’d lose your temper again.” She smiles. “They’re both outside by the elevator, if you’d like to apologize.”

 

“For what?” I climb to my feet, now starting to pace. “Hackett sent Kaidan to ‘protect’ me from myself. _You_ sent Kolyat to do the same thing.” I’m starting to get loud, and I can’t help myself. “Why? Why do you—all of you—why do you think I need protecting from myself?”

 

I hear the hiss of a door. “Really, Shepard?” Kaidan says. I look over at the door. Both Kaidan and Kolyat are standing there, their arms crossed in front of them. “You have to ask?”

 

“Let’s not start,” Liara quickly chimes in, standing up. She looks at me pointedly. “Kaidan, Kolyat, Shepard’s sorry.” Before I can protest, she continues. “We’ll meet you down in the conference room with the rest of the squad.”

 

They nod, seemingly satisfied, and leave. I watch them go, then round on Liara. “I sure as hell am _not_ sorry.”

 

“You should be,” she says calmly. “Shepard, I…I saw you in the hospital. When you were still in the coma. You nearly ripped out your IVs. Twice.”

 

I’m silent a moment, thinking. “I remember…once. I had a-a bad dream. I didn’t know if I was awake or not.” I look at her. “Twice? I don’t remember that.”

 

“The first time you were shouting ‘no’ quite clearly. The second time…” She sighs. “You were only partially conscious. They were trying to wake you up, but you weren’t ready yet. It was about a month before you woke up for good.” She presses a few keys on her omni-tool, and a video plays.

 

_I’m in the hospital bed, clawing at the IVs in my arms. Within seconds, people are trying to hold my arms down. “Shepard, stop!” Chakwas’ voice rings out._

_“NO!” I scream. “Get off me! Just let me go!”_

_“Not until you stop!”_

_“Let me go!” My biotics glow, and most of the people around me go flying. Chakwas grabs a needle and unceremoniously jabs it into my neck as soon as I stop glowing. “You bitch! You have no idea what it’s like!” She doesn’t respond, but I hear Liara’s voice._

_“You’re going to be all right, Shepard.”_

_I seem to grow drowsy, and slowly stop clawing at the IVs. “It’s not…fair. I wasn’t…I wanted to…”_

_The camera grows closer, as Liara apparently walks over to my bed. “Just sleep, Shepard.”_

_I look at someone—probably Liara—and sigh. “Just let me…to…” My mouth’s still moving, but no sound seems to come out of it._

 

The video stops. “I didn’t catch that last part,” I say. “What did I say?”

 

Liara sighs, looking at me sadly. “You said ‘let me go to the sea,’ Shepard.”

 

My blood stops cold in my veins. “No,” I choke out. “I didn’t…”

 

She nods. “You did. I wasn’t sure what it meant until I spoke to Kolyat.” She tries to smile, but fails. “I had trouble believing it at first, but now I’m certain.”

 

I try to play it cool. “You don’t really think I have a death wish, Liara?”

 

“I don’t know.” She shifts uncomfortably. “The rest of the squad is waiting for us. We should go.”


	6. Friends

As I walk into the conference room with Liara, I hear laughter. I stop for a moment as Liara continues forward. So many friends gathered around the conference table. Kaidan, Kolyat, Liara…Garrus, Tali, Vega… But in my current mood, I can’t help but notice the missing ones.

 

_Ashley—fallen on Virmire. She’d be standing next to Kaidan, giving him shit. Mordin—died curing the genophage. He’d be in the corner, talking a mile a minute, not necessarily to anyone in particular. Legion—sacrificed to give the geth intelligence. He’d be with Tali, probably discussing settlements on Rannoch._

 

_“And me.”_

 

As the voice flickers through my mind, I see him—standing next to Liara, talking… But no, that’s Kolyat. I inhale sharply—he looks a _lot_ like Thane.

 

_“Well, he is my son.”_

 

I shake myself, then head into the fray. Vega spots me first. “Hey, Lola.”

 

“What, no salute?” I say teasingly.

 

“Well _I’m_ not saluting you, that’s for damn sure,” Garrus interjects.

 

“Be nice, Garrus,” Tali says, giving him a small shove. “Hello, Shepard.”

 

“Nice?” Garrus smiles. “After being subjected to Shepard’s dancing, ‘nice’ would be not putting on music and tempting fate.”

 

“Oh, please don’t,” Kaidan moans. “I can’t take that right now.”

 

Vega drops his face into one of his hands; I catch a small smile before he does. “If Shepard starts dancing, I’m jumping out the airlock.”

 

In spite of my mood, I can’t help smiling. I shake my head. “You are all bad, _bad_ men.”

 

“It’s just our way of saying we missed you, Shepard,” Garrus says, smiling.

 

“Anyway,” Liara says, calling up a projection of the galaxy map on the table. “There are six civilian ships that went missing, all carrying bodies of the deceased from the Citadel back to their homeworlds.” Five systems highlight on the map. “The Majesty and Strontium Mule were headed to Thessia; the Cornucopia to Tuchanka; the Fedele to Palaven; the Ontario to Sur’Kesh; and the Worthington to various human colony worlds and, I believe, Kahje.” She looks at me. “Where should we start, Shepard?”

 

Before I can answer, Garrus interrupts. “Well, first I think Shepard should tell us the truth.”

 

I sigh. “Garrus, don’t…”

 

“Come on, Shepard. We’re not stupid. We know you.” He looks around the room, then back to me. “Bodies of the deceased from the Citadel? A ship headed to Kahje? _And_ you brought Kolyat.” He tilts his head slightly. “We’re going after Thane’s body, aren’t we?”

 

“That’s not the primary…”

 

“Bullshit, Lola.” Vega looks at me, one eyebrow raised. “We’re out here to find one guy’s body? I thought you told Hackett some noble story about everyone getting home safe or something.”

 

“Well, she did,” Kaidan interjects. “But I don’t buy it, even if he did.”

 

“Well, I don’t think Shepard would lie,” Tali says. “She never has before.”

 

Liara looks at me, but says nothing. There’s silence for a moment.

 

“Well?” Kolyat finally says softly. “Are you going to answer us?”

 

I look at Liara. “Thessia. We’ll start there.” I look around the room. “That’s all for now. Dismissed.” Before anyone can say anything, I leave the conference room.

 

* * *

 

_I reach to caress his face, but he pushes my hand away. He walks to my desk, leans on it. I see a tear course down his cheek, and as it falls, he slams his fist into the desk. “I have worked so hard. Meditated and prayed and done good deeds. Atoned for the evils I’ve done. Prepared.” He turns away from me. “I consider my body’s death, and a chill settles in my gut. I am afraid, and it shames me.”_

_In an instant, I’m by his side, reaching for his hand. “Thane…” I pull him up to face me, gently. “Be alive with me tonight.”_

_His lips brush against mine, so softly I nearly don’t feel it. He pulls away for a moment. “Siha…”_

_I dive for his lips, silencing him with mine. I feel his hands on me; one in the small of my back, the other on my hip. I run my own down his chest, eventually wrapping them around him. I start to pull him back toward the bed._

_He doesn’t need much coaxing. He picks me up and carries me across the gap, laying me down on the bed._

_“Thane…”_

_He kneels above me on the bed and bends to kiss me again. “I love you, Josslyn,” he whispers._

_My head is spinning. “I love you, too, Thane.” I twist my hips against him, and he smiles._

_He caresses my cheek tenderly. “Wake up.”_

_I feel my heart racing. “What?”_

_“Wake up, siha…”_

 

“Thane!” I sit up straight, looking around the cabin. It’s empty. The comm is beeping. A datapad is lying near me. I must have dozed off again.

 

I pick up the datapad and throw it across the room. “ _Fuck!_ ”

 

* * *

 

As I pull on my armor, I hear Liara briefing us on the layout of the ships. I’m not paying attention. I walk over to the weapons cache, grab my assault rifle and shotgun and secure them. I’m reaching for my pistol when I stop. My hand hovers over another pistol, and I pull it out. _M-5 Phalanx. I wonder…_ With barely a second thought, I holster it on my hip.

 

“Shepard?” Liara says. I turn. Everyone’s looking at me.

 

“What?”

 

“Don’t you normally use the M-77 Paladin?”

 

_Damn it. Caught._ “I thought a change might be nice.”

 

There’s an uncomfortable silence. “A change?” Garrus finally says. “You’re usually paranoid about going out without your standard weapons.”

 

“I doubt there’s going to be any combat, Vakarian,” I say, smiling. As I’m heading for the shuttle, I hear whispers.

 

“Didn’t…”

 

“Drop it.”

 

“But the M-5 was…”

 

“ _Drop it._ ”

 

“Um, Shepard?” Kaidan calls out. I peek my head out from the shuttle. “Who’s going with you?”

 

The decision’s not difficult. “All of you.”

 

“All right!” Vega shouts, pumping the air. “Team Mako rides again!”

 

“Team Hammerhead was better,” Kaidan says, smirking.

 

I sigh. “How about Team _Get-Your-Asses-in-the-Goddamn-Shuttle_?”


	7. Overload

Stepping out of the shuttle, back into the Normandy, I crack my neck. “Well, at least we managed to fix their comms and engines.”

 

“True. Now they can head for Earth,” Kaidan says.

 

I spot Kolyat waiting by the elevator. I motion for him to join me at the lockers. “Hey, you all right?”

 

“Did you find…?” He trails off, but the intent is clear.

 

I pull off my armor and store it away in the locker. “No. He wasn’t on either ship. Sorry.”

 

“No husks or anything, either,” Garrus yells from across the shuttle bay.

 

“Ignore him,” I say, smiling. “He’s just pissed I wouldn’t let him shoot the broken comms.”

 

 Kolyat tries to smile. “May…may I go with you on the next one?”

 

I sigh. “No, Kolyat. Sorry.”

 

“Commander, I know how to use a gun.”

 

I stare at him. Despite the entire squad still being there, the shuttle bay is silent. “I didn’t bring you for that.”

 

“Then why _did_ you bring me? To sit around and _wait_?” He’s angry, and his voice is rising. “I can help!”

 

“Yes, you can—by staying here, out of trouble.”

 

“So I’m just… _cargo_?”

 

I bristle at the word, but I don’t want to yell at him here. “I am not having this argument here, Kolyat. Go up to your quarters, and we’ll speak in a few minutes.”

 

“I don’t take orders from you!”

 

“You’re on _my_ ship, so unless you want me to drop your ass at the Citadel, you damn well _will_ take orders from me!” I pick up the M-5 from the weapons bench and holster it on my hip again. I start to walk back toward the weapons locker.

 

“And if I refuse, you’ll dump me like a defective part? Nice of you.”

 

I turn around sharply. “Damn it, Thane, I…” I clap my hand to my mouth. _Oh, shit._

 

Kolyat stares at me, wide-eyed. He opens and closes his mouth a few times, but no sound makes its way out. Finally, he turns on his heel and strides briskly to the elevator. The moment the doors shut, I let out a breath I wasn’t aware I’d been holding.

 

“Nice going, Shepard,” Garrus says quietly, but it echoes in the nearly-empty shuttle bay.

 

Unable to control myself, I draw my pistol and aim it at him. “Say _another fucking word_ , Vakarian…”

 

Within seconds, everyone else has their weapons out—and pointing at me. “Come on, Shepard,” Kaidan says, “you pull a gun on a friend for having a bad sense of humor? Put it away.”

 

“Yeah,” Garrus says, still sighting me down with his sniper. “You used to be able to take a joke, Shepard.” A beat passes. “Hey, wait a minute, Kaidan…”

 

I’m shaking. “Joke, my ass! You knew it was uncalled for!” As I shift, the laser on the rifle hits my eyes.

 

_“_ _Laser dot trembles on his skull. One finger-twitch, he dies._ _”_

 

I feel the M-5 fall out of my hand as I bring it up to clutch my head. “Shut…!”

 

“Shepard?”

 

I feel my knees buckling, but there’s a pair of arms around me, lowering me to the floor so I don’t fall. “Oh, my gods…” My head feels like it’s about to come apart.

 

_“_ _The measure of an individual can be difficult to discern by actions alone. Take you, for instance.”_

 

“Help…me…” I’m gasping. I can’t breathe. My entire body feels like it’s on fire.

 

There are voices; hurried, jumbled together. I can’t make out distinctions. I feel myself being picked up, carried; to where, I’m not sure. It seems only a moment before I feel myself being put down, laying on my back.

 

“What happened?” Chakwas.

 

“I’m not sure.” Kaidan.

 

They’re talking softly, and I can’t catch what they’re saying…

 

_“_ _Shepard-Commander, I must go to them. I'm... I'm sorry. It's the only way.”_

_“Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong.”_

 

_“We can handle ourselves! Go back and get Alenko!”_

 

I open my eyes. Kaidan’s face is hovering above me, blurry. “…Shepard?” His voice sounds far away. My eyes close again.

 

_“I’ve got to go on watch now, baby,” my father says. “Time for bed.”_

_I pout. “Sing me a song?”_

_With a soft laugh, he picks me up. “Which one?” He tucks me into my bed._

_“My favorite.”_

_He sighs softly, but obliges._

_“The minstrel boy to the war has gone  
In the ranks of death you will find him…”_

 

“…his father’s sword he hath girded on, and his wild harp slung behind him…” I feel like I’m in a trance.

 

“Shepard?”

 

“Land of song said the warrior bard…

Tho’ all the world betrays thee…

One sword, at least, thy rights shall guard…” I falter, becoming aware that people are listening.

 

“…One faithful harp shall praise thee,” Kaidan finishes. I hadn’t known he could sing…or even knew the song.

 

My face feels like it’s on fire. I sit up. Kaidan and Chakwas are sitting a few feet away, staring at me. “What happened?” I ask, rubbing my neck.

 

“I’m not sure,” Kaidan says after a minute. “One second you looked like you were going to shoot Garrus, and then…” He shrugs. “You fell over and passed out.”

 

Chakwas walks over to me slowly. “You were out for a couple hours. But you’ve been under tremendous stress for a few years now, Shepard. I think it finally overloaded your system.” She steps back, eyeing me. “You need to take it easy. You need time to recover.”

 

“I think you’re right,” I mutter. “I…I may need a rest.”

 

“Hackett thinks so, too,” Kaidan says. “For the remainder of the…uh, ‘mission’…you’re confined to the ship, per his orders. I’m to take the lead.” He shrugs. “Sorry, Shepard.” He looks like he expects an argument.

 

However, I’m not in the mood to argue. Hackett’s right. I simply sigh. “I should probably go apologize to Garrus.”

 

“He’s in the battery.” Kaidan smiles. “I swear, if I hear the word ‘calibrate’ one more time…”

 

I laugh weakly. “Typical Garrus.”

 

“You probably owe Kolyat one, too.”

 

I’m puzzled. “For what…” Then it hits me. “Oh…I-I think I’ll go see him right now.” I climb to my feet carefully, testing my balance before trusting my legs entirely.

 

Kaidan walks out of the med bay with me. “I’ll come with you to see Kolyat, Shepard.”

 

“I’d rather you didn’t, if it’s all the same.”

 

He cocks an eyebrow. “Someone asked him to watch you, just like Hackett asked me. I know what you said,” he says, holding up a hand to stop me from interrupting, “but after what just happened, I’m ignoring you. We should both keep an eye on you now.” Before I can say anything, he walks off toward Kolyat’s quarters.

 

I jog to catch up with him, and reach him just as he knocks on the door. After a moment, it opens, and I step in ahead of Kaidan. “K…” I stop dead in my tracks.

 

He’s seated at the table at the far end of the room, staring out the window onto the drive core. His hands are folded in front of him. Looking at him, I’m forcibly reminded of Thane.

 

Kaidan steps around me. “Kolyat?” he says.

 

“Do you need something?”

 

My heart’s in my throat. I step forward. “I came to apologize. I-I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called you…” I trail off.

 

He looks at me for a moment, as though he’s considering starting the argument again. “I understand, Joss,” he says, finally. He looks at Kaidan. “Is there anything else?”

 

I turn and leave the room, not waiting for Kaidan. I know they’re going to talk about me and I don’t want to listen to it. Instead, I head up to the battery.

 

I’m a little pissed at Kolyat. _I understand? What the fuck kind of answer is that to an apology?_

 

_“Well, wouldn’t you be insulted if someone referred to you as your mother, siha?”_

 

I have no answer for that. I keep walking toward the battery. Before I can reach it, my omni-tool beeps. “Shepard,” EDI says, “you have an incoming call in the comm room.”

 

“Thanks, EDI.” I head back to the elevator.

 

* * *

 

As I step into the comm room, the QEC lights up. I stop, staring at the figure a moment. “Mom? What do you need?”

 

“Hackett called me.” She’s frowning. “Some bullshit story about you pulling a gun on a crew member?”

 

I sigh. “It’s not bull, Mom. I-I kind of lost it.” I tell her what I can remember. “And Kaidan told him, I guess. I’ve been confined to the ship till we get back to Earth. Kaidan’s been put in charge.”

 

She’s got a look on her face I only vaguely remember seeing a few times before. “I’m going to rip Steven in half,” she mutters.

 

“Mom?”

 

“He ran this op by me before you started, to make sure you were up to it. I okayed it. Any personnel changes were to go through _me_ , not be unilaterally decided by him.”

 

“…Doesn’t he still outrank you?”

 

“Not since I became Councilor.” She stares at me a moment, then glances down. I hear a few beeps. “I’m countermanding Alenko’s orders. You’re back in charge of this.” She levels me with a steely glare. “When you get back, we’re going to have a little talk, but until then, be careful.” The QEC clicks off without another word.


	8. Not Alone

_“You Mouse?”_

_The young man turns toward us. “What do you—oh, shit! Krios? I thought you retired!” He looks at me. “Commander Shepard? I thought you died!” He looks between us for a moment. “What do you want with me?”_

_Thane puts a hand on his shoulder. “Be still, Mouse. You can change your pants in a moment.” He looks at me. “You’re doing it again, Shepard.”_

_“Doing what?”_

_“Wake up.”_

 

“Shepard? Damn it, answer me!”

 

I sit up abruptly. I must have dozed off again.

 

“Shepard!” Kaidan’s screaming now. “I’m counting to three, and then I’m coming up there!”

 

Leaping off the bed, I fly to my desk and hit the comm. “Stop screaming, Alenko! I’m awake. What is it?”

 

“We’ve got a problem. I think you’d better get down here.”

 

I sigh. _Great. Now what?_ “Fine. Conference room, five minutes.”

 

“Aye, aye.”

 

* * *

 

The galaxy map projection is running when I enter the conference room. Everyone’s there, and they turn to look at me. “What?”

 

“We thought you…” Vega starts to speak, but with a look from Kaidan, he stops. “Nothing, Lola, nothing.”

 

I stare around the room. Their faces are struggling not to show it, but I know what Vega was about to say. “Thought I blew my head off?” I say, looking pointedly at both Kaidan and Kolyat. “I fell asleep. So sue me.” I walk to the table and look at Kaidan again. “What’s the problem?”

 

He motions to Liara. She zooms the projection into the Horse Head Nebula, Pax system. “We’re here,” she says, pointing to our current position, marked in green. A blue dot blinks. “ _This_ is where the MSV Worthington should be, but…” The blue shifts to red. “It’s not there.”

 

I curse under my breath. “Where’d it go?”

 

“No idea,” she says, shrugging.

 

Before I can argue, Joker’s on the comm. “Um, Commander?”

 

“What?”

 

“Commander,” EDI says. “I have scanned the planets in the system. The Worthington has crashed on Noveria.”

 

“It _crashed_? Are you sure it didn’t just land?”

 

“The Worthington had no reason to land there, Shepard. Scans also reveal that the Worthington’s engines are damaged. Thus, the conclusion would be it crashed.”

 

I sigh. “Damn it.” I look around at them. “All right, who feels like going to play in the snow?”

 

* * *

 

As we enter the ship, I notice two crew members have guns drawn at us. “Easy,” I say, motioning for my crew not to draw theirs. “Oh thank the Maker. Humans,” one of them says, lowering his weapon. “We thought you might be…well…”

 

“Reapers?” I suggest. He nods. “Yeah, you don’t have to worry about them anymore.”

 

“Stand down,” a commanding voice says, coming around the corner and looking at us. “You’re with the Alliance?”

 

I nod, walking forward with my hand out. “And you are…?”

 

“Captain Leandra Miller,” she says, shaking my hand. “Glad to have your help, Commander.”

 

“What can my squad and I do to get your ship running again?”

 

“Don’t think you can,” she says, a hint of sadness evident. “Our engines are pretty well done. But maybe you can at least get our comms working so we can call someone for an evac.”

 

“We can try.” I wait a moment. “We heard you were carrying some of the deceased back to the colonies, captain?”

 

She nods. “As well as a few hanar and drell, but…well, it’s a long story. Maybe we can talk about it once the repairs are going.”

 

I nod and turn to my squad. “Tali, Vakarian, try and fix the comms. Alenko, Vega…head to the cargo bay. See what you can find out.”

 

“Right, Shepard,” Kaidan says. They all head off.

 

Miller looks at me. “Shepard? _Commander Shepard_ , the Reaper-killer?”

 

I nod. “Yeah, that’s me.”

 

“Shit,” she says, shaking my hand again. “Remind me to get your autograph before you go.” She motions for me to follow her, and we head for the bridge. “What are your crew looking for in my cargo bay, Shepard? The only thing down there is bodies.”

 

“It’s a long story,” I say.

 

“A specific human you’re looking for?” She gives me a knowing smile. “Maybe a special someone?”

 

I avoid her gaze, but answer anyway. “Drell, actually.”

 

“I see.” When we reach the bridge, she waits until the door’s closed to start talking. “It’s the damnedest thing, Shepard,” she starts, “but…well, we decided to head for Kahje first. Since there were so few hanar and drell aboard. Made sense to get them home first.”

 

“Makes sense to me.”

 

“But…well, we had the coordinates for Kahje plugged into the computer. It should have taken us one relay further, but…we stopped here. Dropped out of FTL one relay too early, so I thought maybe we had to refuel or something, but when the pilot tried to head for the relay…” She breaks off and shrugs.

 

“Miller, what are you talking about?”

 

“The Kahje relay’s _gone_ , Shepard.” She looks at me. “The same thing happens if you try to head for the Viper Nebula, where the Alpha Relay was. The relay waves you off, basically tells you the location you’re heading for doesn’t exist.” She leans over a terminal for a moment, typing fast. A screen pops up, showing results of a probe. “We managed to launch a probe before we crashed. It’s…” She points. “That debris field it picked up? It’s the same composition…well, as the planet.” She looks at me. “Not only is the relay gone, but…well, _Kahje’s_ gone too. We have no idea what happened.”

 

My head is spinning; my stomach feels full of butterflies. “How…how did you crash?”

 

“We were so focused on finding out what happened to Kahje, we didn’t realize we were running out of fuel. By the time we did…” She sighs. “When we headed here to get fuel and other supplies, we were told our landing wasn’t ‘authorized,’ and were basically shot down, Shepard. They only targeted our engines, so luckily, we didn’t lose anyone.” Shaking her head, she looks at the floor, then back to me. “I didn’t sign up for this shit. I was supposed to be on desk duty for this war. Instead, I get ordered by Hackett to captain a ship full of dead people, and then on top of that, get shot down for it.”

 

“Watch it, Miller,” I say. “Getting the dead home is still good work.”

 

“Only if you actually get them _home_ , Shepard.”

 

Excusing myself, I walk back down toward the airlock and radio Joker. “Yeah, Shepard?”

 

“Joker, make sure I can reach Hackett when I get back.”

 

“Aye, aye, Commander.”

 

“And…” I swallow hard. “And tell Kolyat to wait for me in the conference room.”

 

“Um, all right.”

 

I shut the link off as I see my squad returning. “Fix the comms?” I ask Tali.

 

She nods. “Wasn’t hard. They weren’t too badly damaged.” She shoots a look at Garrus. “It would have been quicker if he hadn’t been asking to shoot something every two minutes.”

 

I laugh. “You can’t shoot everything, Garrus.”

 

“Well with the Reapers dead, what do I shoot next?” he quips, smirking.

 

I turn my attention to Vega and Kaidan. “Did you find anything?”

 

They look nervous. “Sort of, Shepard,” Kaidan says after a moment.

 

“Sort of?”

 

“He…” He looks down, then back up at me. “He’s not here.”

 

My breath catches in my throat for a moment. I pull Kaidan aside. “What do you mean, ‘he’s not here’? If he was going to be on _any_ of the ships, it’d be _this_ one!” I’m trying to keep my voice low, but not quite succeeding. “Maybe you didn’t look long enough?”

 

“Shepard…” He pulls me a little farther out of earshot of the others. “Josslyn,” he starts again, “there’s only four drell down there. He’s not one of them. We checked the manifest twice.”

 

I feel like screaming. “You’re sure you checked the right spot?”

 

“You’re doubting me?”

 

“Krios? None?”

 

“None.”

 

I try to think, despite my head swimming. “He… _shit_ ,” I breathe.

 

“What?”

 

I turn to him. “He used an assumed name on the Citadel.” I want to punch something. “I can’t remember what it was, though.”

 

“Would you know it if you saw it again?”

 

“Probably.”

 

He motions for me to stay put, then walks away. After a few moments, he comes back holding a data pad. “The manifest,” he explains.

 

“Read me the drell names.”

 

He reads off four names, slowly. None of them rings a bell. After a few minutes of thinking, I radio Joker again. “Frozen yet, Shepard?” he asks.

 

“Very cute, Joker.”

 

“Well, I try to live up to my nickname.”

 

“Then you could at least be funny.”

 

“Ouch, Commander.”

 

“Joker, just patch me through to Kolyat, will you?”

 

After a moment… “Something I can help with, Joss?”

 

“Kolyat, your father was using an assumed name on the Citadel, right?”

 

“Correct.”

 

“What was it? I know he told me, but I can’t remember.”

 

“Tannor Nuara.”

 

“Thanks, Kolyat.” I shut off the comm and look at Kaidan expectantly. He glances at the list, then shakes his head. “What do you mean, no?”

 

“Shepard, you _heard_ me read off the names. It’s not there.”

 

I grab the data pad from him and study it for a moment. He’s right; neither the name Tannor Nuara nor Thane Krios appear under the drell listed on the ship. I hand it back to him, my hand shaking.

 

Miller heads toward me. “Commander, I don’t know how—”

 

I wave her off and storm back to the shuttle. My head’s spinning. I barely register the rest of the squad getting into the shuttle, or the ride back to the Normandy.

 

When I return to myself, I’m in the CIC. “Shepard,” Kaidan says, his hand on my shoulder.

 

“What?”

 

“Kolyat’s waiting for you in the conference room.”

 

I push his hand off. “Tell him I’ll see him in thirty minutes.”

 

“But—”

 

“That’s an order, Alenko.” Without waiting for him to acknowledge it, I walk to the elevator and head to my cabin.

 

I stare around for a moment. Then, without any warning, I feel my biotics flare. I hit my desk with a throw field, and it goes crashing into the opposite wall. I feel like I’m watching from outside my own body as I tear up the cabin; when I’m finished, I collapse into the mess, sobbing.

 

He should have been there. It made sense that he’d be there; the ship was going to be heading for Kahje. That’s naturally where he should be. It didn’t make any sense that he wouldn’t be on it.

 

“Shepard?”

 

I whip around, furious, my biotics flaring. It’s Kaidan. I send a throw field his way.

 

He’s ready this time; it bounces off his barriers. “Shepard…” He looks around at the mess I’ve made. “What did you do?”

 

“He…” I dissolve into tears again. “He should have been there, damn it!”

 

After a moment, I feel his hand on mine. He pulls me to my feet. “I don’t think you should be alone right now,” he says softly. “Why don’t we have a drink? You look like you could use it.” Without thinking about it, I nod. I’m in the elevator with him in a moment, and the doors open onto the Crew Deck.

 

We’re facing the Memorial Wall. My eyes focus on Anderson’s name, emblazoned in the middle…then shift down and to the left. _Thane Krios_ is embossed on one plate at the bottom of the row.

 

I feel the back of my neck grow hot again, and without knowing how I’m doing it, I reach out and rip the nameplate off the wall with a biotic field, tearing it in half with a primal scream.

 

* * *

 

“Shepard,” Hackett says. “Good work putting the ships in touch. Nice to see you haven’t lost it.”

 

“It was an easy job,” I say, slurring slightly. _That fourth “Weeping Heart” was a bad idea after all, genius._

 

“Sorry to hear the Worthington’s out of commission, though.” He shakes his head. “We’ll get the bodies back to their families somehow, but it won’t be on her.”

 

“Maybe not all of them,” I mutter.

 

“Why’s that, Commander?”

 

“Miller will be sending you the data she’s compiled, but…” I sigh. “Kahje is…gone.”

 

“Gone? What the hell do you mean, ‘gone’?”

 

“Destroyed, or at least, that’s the way it looks.”

 

There’s a few moments of silence. “That’s…unfortunate,” he says finally.

 

“Un…un-unfortunate?” I sputter. “That’s it?! A planet is gone, two races probably destroyed with it, and your only response is ‘unfortunate’?! Do you even _have_ a soul?”

 

“Watch your tone, Commander!” he snaps. “You’re addressing a superior officer.”

 

I laugh. “Fuck it, fire me.” With one keystroke, I sever the connection.

 

* * *

 

I knock on Kolyat’s door. It opens almost immediately. He’s standing there, looking at me. “Kaidan told me what happened,” he says, letting me into the room. “I understand how upset you are, Joss.”

 

“Do you?” I lean against the wall. It feels cool.

 

“He was my _father_. If it hadn’t been for you, we might not have spoken again until it was too late.” He pulls the chairs over to one side of the table, sitting in one. I sit down in the other. “He…he often spoke to me about you.” He smiles. “He told me that he called you his ‘siha.’”

 

With the word, I feel an icy chill run through me. “Yeah,” I mutter. “He did.”

 

“You seem ashamed.”

 

I look up sharply. “No! I just…” I look away. “I hear him, sometimes, Kolyat. Not flashbacks, but…new things. Commenting on what’s going on.” I smile. “I know it’s just my head fabricating things, but he sounds so…”

 

“Alive?” he suggests.

 

I nod. Tears are forming in my eyes again. “Every time I hear that word, I remember him. And it hurts. Knowing I’ll never see him again.” I look at him, willing the tears not to fall. “There’s…there’s something else I need to tell you.”

 

“What?”

 

“Kolyat, Kahje is…” I wipe away a stray tear. “It’s gone. Destroyed.”

 

He stares for a good two minutes, silent. “W-where…” He falters. “Where will I go, then?”

 

I put my shaking hand on his arm. “You’re welcome to stay with me, if you want.” I take a breath. “If I’m not thrown in the brig again.” He looks at me questioningly. “I mouthed off to Hackett. Probably shouldn’t have, but…he pissed me off.”

 

He smiles, tears forming in his own eyes. “I appreciate the offer, Joss.”

 

“I mean it. I…” I grab both his hands in my own. “I don’t think your father would have wanted either of us to be alone.”

 

As Kolyat smiles wider, and nods, I hear Thane’s voice echo in my head. _“You are not alone in your grief. Take care of him for me, siha.”_


	9. Interlude

“Shepard?”

 

With a start, I open my eyes. Kaidan and Kolyat are staring at me. I’m still sitting in the chair; I must have dozed off. Still not quite fully awake, I rub my eyes. “It takes two of you to wake me up?” I quip, smiling.

 

Only Kolyat smiles. Kaidan’s face is deadly serious. “Shepard, this isn’t funny. We’re almost back to Earth, but I’ve got orders from Hackett to confine you to quarters until we arrive back in London.”

 

I stand up, looking him directly in the eye. “As far as I’m concerned, Hackett can fuck off. Now, as for being ‘confined,’ since my own quarters are a ruinous mess, I’d just as soon stay here.”

 

He shakes his head. “I can’t stay here to keep an eye on you. I have things to do. You’re coming over to Starboard Observation with me.”

 

I sigh. “Fine.”

 

“Shepard, it’s the only way I…” He stops. “Wait, did you…you’re not arguing?”

 

“I’m not going to fight with you, Kaidan.” I feel oddly calm. “I can’t countermand the order, and I know you’ll follow it any way you have to. I’m not going to make you force me.” I step around him, leaving the room. Once in the corridor, I turn to head to Starboard Observation, pausing momentarily in front of the Memorial Wall.

 

Someone’s placed the pieces of Thane’s nameplate back onto the wall in its former spot. I reach out a hand to caress it. _Sorry I got upset, Thane._ But the moment my hand connects, the pieces fall to the ground.

 

I hear Kaidan behind me. “Whoops,” he says softly, bending to pick up the pieces. “I thought that was pretty firmly fixed there.”

 

I stare at him. “You… _you_ fixed it?”

 

“Yeah.” He stands, trying to get the pieces to stick to the wall again. When he pulls away, the pieces seem to hold fine—but fall a few seconds later. “Hmm, might actually need to replace it.” He props the pieces against the bottom of the wall instead and heads off to the observation deck. After a few moments, I follow.

 

“Kaidan…”

 

He’s humming softly. “What?” He turns toward me. “Sorry.”

 

His humming’s reminded me of something I’ve wanted to ask for a while. I sit on one of the couches. “When I woke up singing in the med bay after…after that little breakdown, you finished the lyrics. How did you know the song?”

 

He smiles. “Shepard, you used to hum that all the time on board the original Normandy. I looked up the song when I got curious.” He sits next to me—a little close. “I’m kind of curious where you heard it. It’s really old.”

 

I want to shift over, away from him, but—but I don’t. “My father used to sing it to me when I was little. It was his favorite song. In time, it…it became mine, too.” I smile a little. “I kept singing it to myself during the Blitz. Before that, I…” I sigh. “I hadn’t thought about it in years before then.”

 

He chuckles. “I think I’d like to see that; you singing _and_ kicking ass.” He puts his hand on my knee. Instinctively, I go to push it off—but just put my hand on his. “I’ve never heard much about your dad. You talk about your mom a lot, but never your dad. You…you sound like you get along with him, though.”

 

“I got along with him fine,” I whisper. _Is he wearing cologne? Who does that anymore?_

 

“Past tense?” he says. After a moment, it seems to dawn on him. “Oh…oh God, Josslyn, I’m sorry. When?”

 

“I was fifteen, Kaidan,” I say, laughing a little. “He was assigned to one of the colonies—New Canton. Mom was on the Einstein. I was stuck groundside with him.” I sigh. “In one respect, it was great to have solid ground under my feet. But I was bored as shit. There were no decent dance classes on the colony, and the kids I went to school with weren’t really interested in getting to know me. They figured the ‘spacer kid’ would be gone in six months anyway. No reason to make friends.”

 

“Sounds lonely.”

 

“A little. But I had my father. It was nice to get to spend some time with him.” I look down at the floor. “Anyway, one day he tells me he’ll be late. They’re doing training exercises. So I’ll have to look after myself for the evening. I wasn’t thrilled, but didn’t really have a choice. So I come home from school, do my homework, feed myself. I practice some of my dancing. But eventually I notice it’s way past when he told me he’d be back. So I start to get worried. I’m about to call and find out where he is when there’s a knock on the door.”

 

“Oh, no.”

 

“Yeah.” I feel a tear start. “His shuttle had mechanical difficulties, and crashed. The pilot and all six onboard, including him, died on impact.” The tear falls. “Mom was devastated. She took leave so we could go back to Earth and bury my father, then shipped me off to my aunt’s at Arcturus.”

 

He wipes my tear away with his other hand. “I’m really sorry.”

 

I smile, looking up into his eyes. “Thanks for letting me…” I can feel my face going red. I lean toward him a little more. He leans into me. His lips are close, getting closer…

 

“Hey, Commander?” Joker’s voice pops out of the comm.

 

I sit back quickly, and Kaidan does too. “What?” I snap.

 

“Just passed the Charon Relay. Admiral Hackett’s also calling for Kaidan in the comm room.”

 

“Thanks, Joker,” Kaidan says, and without anything else, shuts off the comm. He looks at me. “Don’t…uh, don’t go anywhere. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

 

As soon as he leaves the room, I drop against the back of the couch with a loud sigh. _I can’t believe I almost kissed him! What is the matter with me?_


	10. Something Wrong

As Joker pulls the Normandy into dock in London, I’m waiting near the airlock. Kaidan is standing with me. “Hackett was going to be here,” he says.

 

“Was?”

 

“Yeah. He’s pretty pissed at you.” I laugh; Kaidan doesn’t look amused. “It’s not funny. If I were him, I’d have ordered me to arrest you, then discharged you when you got back.”

 

“He discharges me, word will get around. And then, there goes his enlistment numbers.” I smile. “Everyone wants to be the next Commander Shepard.”

 

“Not even Commander Shepard should be able to get away with what you said.”

 

“Come on, Kaidan, I don’t want to fight…”

 

“No, seriously,” he continues. “I know what you said to him. What did you want him to do, burst into tears or something?”

 

I sigh. “I’m not fighting with you. What’s done is done, Kaidan. So is Hackett going to be there or not?” I can feel the Normandy grind to a halt.

 

“No. He’s got more important things to do than dealing with a mouthy subordinate.” He looks away from me, toward the bridge.

 

I feel like decking him. “Mouthy subordinate? After what I’ve been through, I’m not allowed one little screw-up? Seriously?”

 

His head whips around to me. “Are you pulling the Reaper card again? I was there at the beam, too, remember?”

 

“Yeah…till I had to call Joker to evac your sorry ass out of there!” I shake my head as he opens his mouth. “Kaidan, what are we doing? We’re friends.”

 

He looks angry, but after a moment, the expression drops with a sigh. “Yeah, we are.” He rubs his neck. “Sorry if I got a little…bold earlier. When we were talking.”

 

“It’s fine, really. It was…it was nice.” I hear the airlock hissing as the pressure equalizes. “Guess we have to go, huh?”

 

He nods, and looks behind me. I turn to see my squad lining up behind me. “We’re right behind you, Shepard,” Garrus says.

 

I stare at them all for a minute. Tali and Garrus are standing hand-in-hand. Vega’s arms are crossed in front of his chest, but he’s smiling. Liara and Kolyat are almost shoulder-to-shoulder, looking thick as thieves. Kaidan’s just smiling. Joker’s leaning on EDI. My squad. My _friends_. I go to turn away, but as I do, Garrus—of all people—snaps to a salute. The rest quickly follow suit—even Kolyat.

 

I feel a tear starting to slide down my cheek, but feel more pride than anything. I return the salute.

 

A beat passes. “I saw that tear, Shepard,” Garrus says. He turns to Vega. “Told you. Pay up.”

 

“Nuh-uh. You said ‘ugly sobbing,’ Vakarian. Doesn’t count.”

 

I shake my head. “You _bet_ on whether or not I’d cry?” The two of them nod in tandem. I sigh, a smile tugging at my lips. I turn and start down the gangway; within a moment, the rest are following, with Kaidan on my right and Kolyat on my left, both a step behind.

 

At the end of the gangway, I’m greeted by a wall of Alliance blue. “Commander Josslyn J. Shepard?” one of the cheerless faces asks—a lieutenant. I nod. “Under orders of Admiral Hackett, I’m placing you…”

 

“Belay that!” a familiar voice rings out. I turn. My mother is striding across the floor, flanked by two bodyguards. She stops right in front of the lieutenant. “You’re dismissed, Lieutenant.” She turns to me.

 

He hesitates. “I-I have orders, ma’am.”

 

She turns back and stares him down. “And I’m here on the authority of the Council, _Lieutenant_. You are dismissed.” With a sidelong glance at me, the wall of Alliance blue leaves. My mother finally looks at me. “And Steven has a problem with _your_ attitude?” she mutters.

 

“Mom, what are you doing here?”

 

“Saving your sorry ass, Josslyn.” She pulls me to one side, just out of earshot of the others. “I got the notice an hour ago. Hackett wants you discharged. Dishonorably.”

 

I stare at her, trying not to gape. “Seriously? I went a little crazy, all right, but it’s not like it was a repeated thing. One-time screw-up. Court martial, maybe, I could see.” Then her last word hits like a brick. “ _Dishonorable_ discharge? Dis…what the hell? The Reapers…the Collectors…Sovereign…hell, _the Blitz_. Not _once_ during all my other shit did I _ever_ give a CO lip, even when I thought their orders were complete bullshit. And _now_ he wants…what, so just ‘thanks for saving the galaxy and all, Shepard, but you’re not allowed to have feelings’?” I’m almost crying. “I’ve earned better than that, damn it!”

 

“Easy, honey,” she whispers, trying to soothe. “I rescinded the order on Council authority. No discharge.”

 

I take a deep breath, staring at her. There’s a look in her eyes I remember. “What’s the catch?”

 

“Mandatory six-month medical leave.”

 

I’m furious. “I’m not sick.”

 

“Yes, you are.” Before I can respond, she keeps talking. “Damn it, Josslyn, you pull a gun on a friend and give a CO attitude, and you _don’t_ think something’s wrong with you?” She motions to someone behind me, and I turn to see the entire squad walking toward us. “I’m going to ask a question, and I need you all to speak your minds freely,” she says to them. “And you’re going to stay silent,” she aims at me. “Is there something wrong with Commander Shepard?”

 

A few shift uncomfortably. Most aren’t looking anywhere near me. “I didn’t want to think so,” Kaidan says after a moment, “but…” He nods. I glare at him, but he just glares back. “Come on, Shepard, you tore up your cabin.” Everyone stares at him, then at me.

 

“You did _what_?” my mother says, fixing me with a Look.

 

“She got upset when we didn’t find…” he trails off. He doesn’t need to finish—everyone knows what he’s talking about. “And to cap it off, she ripped his name off the wall.”

 

“And tore it in half,” Kolyat adds most unhelpfully.

 

I take a deep breath, trying to bite my tongue. But now everyone’s trying to give their input all at once.

 

“I really thought you were going to shoot me, Shepard.” Garrus. “Your hand was awfully steady.”

 

“And you actually threw Kolyat into me.” Kaidan. “Definitely not like you.”

 

“You never even came down to Engineering, like usual.” Tali. “Ken and Gabby wanted to say hello.”

 

“Or down to the shuttle bay.” Vega. “I’m startin’ to think you don’t like me, Lola.”

 

“Shepard preferred to spend her time in her cabin, or down in the Life Support plant.” EDI. “She only interacted with the crew when it appeared necessary.”

 

There’s a brief silence. None of them are looking at me. Then…

 

“You haven’t been yourself, Shepard.” Liara. “It seems like the Shepard who saved the galaxy isn’t the same person who woke up eight months later.” She looks around at the rest, then back to me. “We’ve all seen it. I don’t think any of us wanted to say it because we knew you wouldn’t accept it. But…you’re not yourself.”

 

“It’s not exactly a mystery why, though,” Kaidan mutters, half under his breath.

 

I shake my head, staring at the floor. I can’t deny anything they’ve said. They’re right. Normally I would have been talking to everyone, so lost in conversations that I’d forget to sleep. This time—almost all I did was sleep. I barely hear my mother thanking them and dismissing them, but when I look up again, they’re headed off in all directions. Only Kolyat remains.

 

“You can go, Kolyat,” my mother says softly. “She’ll be all right.”

 

“I have nowhere to go.”

 

“I told him he could stay with me, Mom.” My voice is wobbly.

 

She’s silent. “All right, then.” Without another word, she leads us out to a waiting skycar.

 

I’m expecting a quick ride to the new Alliance headquarters or something, but after a short ten-minute ride, we stop in front of an apartment building. “Where are we?”

 

She smiles at me as we climb out of the car. “I may have mentioned to the rest of the Council that you were going to need a place to live after you got out of the hospital. Since they couldn’t do any of what you wanted, they want you to consider this part of your repayment.”

 

I smile halfheartedly. “Thanks.” _Great. A giant, empty apartment._

 

_“You won’t be alone, siha. Kolyat will be there.”_

 

I wince as his voice echoes through my mind, causing an instant headache. “Joss?” Kolyat says, loosely grasping my arm. “Are you all right?”

 

I lean into him. I feel like throwing up. “I-I just need to lie down,” I lie. I’m vaguely aware of riding an elevator up to one of the uppermost floors…a key going into a lock…then I’m sitting on a couch. The softness startles me enough to focus a bit. I’m staring at the floor; plush carpeting. A nice, neutral beige.

 

My mother sits down next to me on the couch. “Tell me what’s wrong, sweetheart.”

 

I can’t look up at her. I don’t want to see her look of pity—I can hear it in her voice. “Mom, I—” I glance at my hands. They’re shaking. I feel a sob welling up inside me. “I…” I manage to choke back the sobs, but a tear still escapes. Then another. “They’re right,” I say, voice trembling. “They’re all right. Something’s…” I try to take a deep breath, but my chest is tight. “Something’s wrong with me.”

 

She takes one of my hands in hers. “I’ve made an appointment for you to talk to someone.”

 

I nod. Still staring at the floor, I feel yet another tear cascade down my cheek. “So much for the great Commander Shepard, huh?”

 

She clicks her tongue. “You’re still Commander Shepard, Josslyn.”

 

“Will Hackett go for the medical leave thing?” I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand.

 

“He doesn’t really have a choice. But I think he will, without any prejudice.” I can hear her smile. “He knows he overreacted to your comments. He knows you’re not feeling yourself lately. And if he gives you—or me—any trouble over it, I’ll demote him so low even the ensigns on KP will outrank his ass.”

 

I laugh, finally looking at her. “Can you do that?”

 

Her smile grows a bit wider. “No. But it was worth it to get you to laugh.”


	11. At The Beginning

The waiting room in the therapist’s office is bare; just four hard-backed chairs and one side table, covered in tacky statuettes. I sit in the chair closest to the outer door. The inner door is shut, but I can hear voices inside. After a few moments, an older woman comes out and briskly heads for the door next to me, shutting it behind her as she leaves. Another minute passes, then a familiar face emerges from the inner room. “Well, well, Josslyn Shepard. Never thought you’d grace my office.”

 

I smile, standing up. “Becky Rowe. It’s been a long time.”

 

“Not since high school. About fifteen years, now.” She motions me into the other room, and closes the door as I pass her. “And it’s not Rowe anymore. It’s Parker. Doctor Parker.”

 

I sit on the couch, staring at her. “Parker? You got married.”

 

“Yep.” She settles into an overstuffed armchair facing me. “Remember Skylar?”

 

“You married _Skylar Parker_?” I shake my head, laughing. “You couldn’t _stand_ him.”

 

“He grew on me.” She stares at me a long moment. “But you’re not here to catch up, JJ. I got a call from your mother begging me to see you. So what’s wrong?”

 

“Becky, I…”

 

She clucks her tongue. “I’d prefer ‘Doctor’.”

 

“If you insist, then you’re going to have to call me ‘Commander.’ It’s only fair.”

 

“All right, Becky’s fine, then.” She picks up a datapad from the floor beside the chair. “Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong, JJ. I might be able to help.”

I sigh. “I wouldn’t even know where to begin.”

 

“Where everything does: at the beginning.”

 

I sigh again, staring at the floor. The beginning…but of what? The Blitz? The Reapers? “Which beginning are we talking about, Bec? There’s a few of them.”

 

“Well, let’s see. When did you start feeling the way you do now?”

 

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

 

“Don’t play dumb with me, JJ. I know you.” Her voice is soft, but her tone is razor sharp. “Your mother mentioned you’ve been…depressed. When did it start?”

 

I close my eyes a moment. “When I woke up from my coma.”

 

“And why do you think that is?”

 

“Shit, Bec, I don’t know.” I stand up and walk to the window, peering out. I can’t look at her.

 

“Yes, you do. You’re the only one who _does_ know.” She’s silent a moment. “You can avoid all you want, JJ. I’ve already been paid for this session. If you don’t want to talk, it’s your business. But I can see you’re hurting, so why don’t you sit down and talk about this like an adult?”

 

I return to the couch, finally managing to look her in the eye. “Fine.”

 

“All right, then. Now, why…”

 

“Why did it start when I woke up? _Because_ I woke up.”

 

She stares at me, her brow furrowing. “I don’t follow.”

 

“I didn’t plan to come back from the last battle against the Reapers.”

 

“…You wanted to die?”

 

I nod, and as I do, I feel tears stinging my eyes. “I never planned to survive that last assault. I thought that…that when I’d beaten them, I could just…” I shrug.

 

“But why? You have so much to live for.”

 

A laugh escapes my lips. “Yeah, right. Commander Shepard, the Reaper-killer.” I stare at her. “You think I _want_ that? The fame, the attention? I didn’t want it after Elysium and the Blitz, much less now.” I sigh. “I watched people I care about—people I’d come to trust and love—I watched them die, Becky. I watched them sacrifice themselves to save others.”

 

“Then they were heroes. You should be proud of them.”

 

“I am. Doesn’t mean I can’t be pissed that they’re dead.”

 

She types something into the datapad she’s holding. “Tell me about them.”

 

I take in a shaky breath. “Well, there was Legion. A geth. He…”

 

“It,” she interrupts. “Not he.”

 

“No, at the end, Legion was an individual. He sacrificed himself to give the rest of the geth true consciousness.”

 

She nods, typing into the datapad again. “Who else?”

 

“Mordin Solus. A salarian doctor. He…” Another deep breath. “He sacrificed himself to cure the genophage. We needed to disperse it from the Shroud, but it was sabotaged. He went up to fix it and…”

 

“Who else?” Her tone is soft, soothing.

 

“Ashley Williams. I had to leave her behind on Virmire. I wish I hadn’t ever been faced with that choice.”

 

“Virmire was three years ago, JJ. Did you really only lose two friends to the Reaper war?”

 

The tears start falling. “N-no.”

 

She hands me a box of tissues. “Tell me.”

 

I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. I try again. “T-there were more than _three_ , but…”

 

“But?”

 

I take a deep breath, trying to calm down. “Sorry, it’s…it’s painful to think about.”

 

She stares at me for a moment, pity in her eyes. “I gather it was someone to whom you were very close?” I nod, taking a tissue and wiping some of the tears away. “Tell me about them.”

 

“His name was Thane. Thane Krios.”

 

“Human?”

 

“Drell.”

 

A smile is tugging at her lips, but her eyes hold shock. “Really? How did you meet?”

 

I smile. “He…” A light pops in front of my eyes…

 

_He drops down from the ceiling, behind a clueless Eclipse merc. With one quick movement, he snaps the merc’s neck. Effortlessly, he turns and punches a second merc in the throat, killing him. A flash of gunfire, and a third merc falls. He grabs Nassana, and with a single shot to her abdomen, she’s dead. After laying her back on her desk, he clasps his hands in front of him, his eyes closed._

_“Impressive,” Garrus says. “You certainly know how to make an entrance.”_

_I have to agree. I take a few steps forward. “I was hoping to talk to you,” I say, my voice echoing in the over-large room._

_“I apologize,” the assassin says, “but prayers for the wicked must not be forsaken.”_

_I’m surprised. “Do you really think she deserves it?”_

_“Not for her.” He looks up, catching my eye for the first time. “For me.” He stares at me for a few moments, then begins to walk out from behind the desk. “_ _The measure of an individual can be difficult to discern by actions alone. Take you, for instance. All this destruction, chaos… I was curious to see how far you’d go to find me.” He stops in front of the desk and turns to me, an enigmatic expression on his face. The sun is directly behind him, the light filtering in through the shades, giving him an otherworldly glow. “Well, here I am.”_

_“I do want to talk to you, but…how did you know I was here?”_

_“Gunfire and explosions.” He walks toward me now. “I prefer to work quietly.” He passes me, and I turn, following him. “If I have to fight through guards, I’ve made a mistake. I rarely make mistakes.” His head turns toward me, though his body’s still facing away. “You disrupted my plan. But your distraction eventually proved valuable.”_

_“Let’s cut to the chase.” I want to say more, but there will be time later, I’m sure. “I need you for a mission.”_

_“Indeed.” He doesn’t seem surprised. I wonder how much he’s been told, if anything at all._

_“You’re familiar with the Collectors?”_

_He turns and walks to the window. “By reputation.”_

_“They’re abducting entire human colonies. Freedom’s Progress was their handiwork.”_

_“I see.” His tone is still unfazed, though a bit less so now._

_“We’re going after them.”_

_He turns toward me sharply. “Attacking the Collectors would require passing through the Omega-4 relay. No ship has ever returned from doing so.”_

_I cross my arms, trying to suppress a smirk. “They told me it was impossible to get to Ilos, too.”_

_“A fair point. You’ve built a career on performing the impossible.” He turns back to the window as I step closer, closing his eyes for a moment. “This was to be my last job. I’m dying.”_

 

“JJ?” Becky’s hand is on my arm. “What happened?”

 

My head is spinning. “I was…I was remembering the first time I met him.” I tell her what I remember, hoping I don’t sound too much like a star-struck teenager. “It was strange, you know? I was impressed with him right from the start.”

 

She’s smiling. “I can see why. Dangerous, graceful…and a drell, to boot.” I fix her with a glare, but she just laughs. “Oh, come on. You don’t remember when we’d talk about the boys in class? How I thought they were cute, and you just thought they were disgusting. So I asked you what you found attractive, and you just blurted out that you wanted to date a drell.” She pats my arm. “So I’m not really surprised, JJ. But I’m still a bit confused. You said you knew he was dying when you met him.”

 

“Yeah, I did. But…” I sigh. “Cerberus tried to stage a coup. Tried to seize power using Udina. They sent an assassin to take out the other Council members. Valern had been meeting with the C-Sec Executor. The assassin found us there, and…” The tears are forming again. “Thane showed up, and fought with the assassin. He…he was stabbed.” One tear slips, and then another. I grab a tissue and blot them away. “The more I think about it, the worse I feel, Bec. I was standing _right there_ when the bastard stabbed him. Why didn’t I shoot him? I could have shot the son of a bitch. Why didn’t I?”

 

“Maybe you were afraid you’d hit Thane?”

 

“No, I…I had a clear shot a couple of times. I could have taken it.” I turn to her. “I just… I don’t really want to talk about it anymore. Just tell me I’ll stop feeling like this.”

 

She types something into the datapad, then looks at me. “I’m going to give you some medication. If you take it, you’ll stop feeling like this. I promise.” An alarm beeps, and she clicks it off. “And that’s the end of our session, I’m afraid.”


	12. Old Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter may be triggering for some readers. If you are triggered by mentions of suicide or suicide attempts, I highly recommend skipping the final scene in this chapter (begins with the dream).

“Mom?” I stare out the window at several cars, landing and spilling people in front of the building. I recognize them all—Liara, Kaidan, most of my other friends. “Mom!”

 

“Yes?” she calls from the kitchen, over the sound of clinking beer bottles. I turn and look; she’s stocking the fridge. “What is it?”

 

I motion toward the window. “I don’t think you have enough beer for everyone.”

 

She laughs. “Don’t worry, I can always pop out to the store if we need more.” She motions to an unopened case next to her. “But I think we’re set for now.”

 

The door buzzes, and still smiling, I open it. A long line of familiar faces greets me—some still getting off the elevator. “Can we come in, Shepard?” Liara asks. I step to the side, motioning for them to enter. Most of them stop to hug me briefly, or shake my hand. When everyone is inside, and it appears no more are coming, I shut the door. The apartment is filled and noisy.

 

I’m not sure which conversation to join first. Before I can decide, Liara’s at my side. “Shepard, it’s good to see you.” Her smile seems strained.

 

“You too, Liara. What’s been going on?”

 

“Not too much. I’m still rebuilding my networks.” She looks around, and seemingly satisfied, turns back to me. “Feron wanted to come, but he’s…not feeling well.” She looks uncomfortable.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

She steers me over to the window, out of earshot of the rest. “After the Reapers were destroyed, I decided I’d waited long enough. I told Feron how I felt about him.” She gazes out at the skyline, a wistful look on her face. “But… I may have waited too long.”

 

I’m about to ask why, but in a flash, it hits me. “Oh, no…”

 

She nods. “It’s in the early stages, so he still has quite a while. But still, I’m not happy.” She looks at me. “The Council may have said no, Shepard, but they can’t stop _me_. I’ve taken over the research to find a cure.” She looks out the window again. “I always thought that if I was with a shorter-lived species, I’d be all right with it. Just enjoy the time I had, and not dwell on the idea of their death. But now I find it’s not so.” She sighs. “I’m sorry. I don’t think I ever really understood how you felt until now.”

 

I pat her shoulder. “Why don’t we have a drink? You look like you need it.”

 

Walking toward the kitchen, I spot a few people dancing. My eyes are instantly drawn to Kolyat—and Oriana. I stop in my tracks, and Liara stops with me. “What is it, Shepard?”

 

I point it out. “They’ve never met, as far as I remember.”

 

“They met while you were in the coma. Miranda and Oriana were helping in the medical camps. Kolyat was helping, too, since some of the hanar and drell troops were injured. That’s where they met.”

 

I stare at Liara for a long moment. “You used to lie a lot better, T’Soni.” She opens her mouth to protest, but I hold up a hand. “That was a joke.”

 

She rolls her eyes. “You and your jokes.” We continue toward the kitchen. “They’ve both been helping with the cure. They’ve grown quite close, I believe.”

 

I glance toward them once more. There’s nearly no space between them. “Yeah, I’d say so.” Entering the kitchen, I spot my mother opening a beer, and deftly relieve her of it. “Thanks, Mom.” I take a swig, leaning against the counter.

 

“About time you had a drink, Shepard,” Jack says. “Always thought you were a little too tight-assed about it.”

 

I laugh and take another sip. “It’s still a new thing. But I’ll try not to go overboard this time.”

 

“So,” Kaidan says after a moment. “Nice apartment, Shepard. Wish the Council took care of all their agents like this.”

 

I grin, patting his arm. “You can take the next galactic extinction, then.” There’s a round of laughs, and as the song changes, some retreat out to the impromptu “dance floor.” A few moments later, Kaidan and I are the only two left.

 

He steps closer to me, leaning against the counter as well. I try not to look at him as he sidles closer. “Something wrong, Shepard?”

 

“No,” I lie. _Too close. He’s too close. Just tell him to back up a bit._

 

I feel his hand on my arm. I turn to look at him, ready to yell, but the look in his eyes stops me cold. “I’m a little worried about you,” he says softly.

 

“I’m fine, Kaidan. Really.” The song changes, and now a slower one is playing. I recognize it—centuries old, but I still know all the words. I swallow hard, suppressing the urge to burst out singing.

 

“All right.” He takes his hand away, takes another drink. The bottle drained, he puts it down on the counter with a dull thud. “Come dance with me?”

 

I smile. “In a minute. Let me just finish my drink.” He nods, and heads out of the kitchen. As soon as he’s out of sight, I dump the rest of my beer down the drain. _I need something harder._ Opening the fridge, I find a half-empty bottle of ryncol; presumably what Grunt has been drinking. Pouring myself a glass, I vaguely recall a line by Grunt, years ago: “ _Ryncol hits aliens like ground glass._ ”

 

With one mouthful, I know he’s right. My head starts spinning. Despite feeling as if I want to vomit, I finish the glass. The entire room is spinning now. I head out to the dance floor.

 

“Shepard?” Kaidan’s voice sounds distorted. “Are you all right?”

 

“Yeah, I’m fine!” The floor rushes up to meet me.

 

* * *

_I reach to caress his face, but he pushes my hand away. He walks to my desk, leans on it. I see a tear course down his cheek, and as it falls, he slams his fist into the desk. “I have worked so hard. Meditated and prayed and done good deeds. Atoned for the evils I’ve done. Prepared.” He turns away from me. “I consider my body’s death, and a chill settles in my gut. I am afraid, and it shames me.”_

_In an instant, I’m by his side, reaching for his hand. “Thane…” I pull him up to face me, gently. “Be alive with me tonight.”_

_His lips brush against mine, so softly I nearly don’t feel it. He pulls away for a moment. “Siha…”_

_I dive for his lips, silencing him with mine. I feel his hands on me; one in the small of my back, the other on my hip. I run my own down his chest, eventually wrapping them around him. I start to pull him back toward the bed._

_He doesn’t need much coaxing. He picks me up and carries me across the gap, laying me down on the bed._

_“Thane…”_

_He kneels above me on the bed and bends to kiss me again. “I love you, Josslyn,” he whispers._

_My head is spinning. “I love you, too, Thane.” I twist my hips against him, and he smiles._

_He caresses my cheek tenderly. “We have time. Don’t rush.” One of his hands drifts down to my waist. I grab his collar and pull him down for another kiss. After a moment, he sits up, sliding his coat off and dropping it next to the bed. I pull my shirt off, tossing it next to his coat. He smiles. Kisses me again. Then stands up. Starts to undress, slowly, letting me take in every detail._

_As he slides his shirt off, I see a flash of movement behind him. “Thane…?”_

_He turns, and then…the flash of a sword. There’s blood… Thane collapses to the floor. I’m frozen in place as Kai Leng stares at me, smirking. “Too slow, Shepard.”_

 

I’m startled awake by a scream; after a moment, I realize it’s my own. I climb out of my bed, pulling open a drawer in my nightstand. An M-77 Paladin smiles up at me.

 

 _It’s time, old friend._ I pull it out of the drawer.

 

My door beeps. “Joss? Are you all right?” Kolyat.

 

I sit on my bed, clutching the pistol.

 

“Joss?!” The door beeps again. “ _Joss!_ ” I can hear him hacking the lock.

 

I close my eyes and lift the Paladin up, the barrel resting on my temple. _I can’t do it, Thane. I’m sorry. See you soon._

 

I squeeze the trigger…but nothing happens.

 

I open my eyes, looking at the pistol—and spot Kolyat, standing in the doorway. “I took the thermal clips,” he says, his voice strained. “I thought you might do something like this.”

 

I’m shaking, furious. “You little _bastard!_ Where’d you put them?” I fly to him, grabbing him by the collar. “ _Where’d you put them?_ ”

 

He’s strangely calm. “I’m not giving them to you. He wouldn’t want this.”

 

“You don’t know _what_ he’d want! He’s _dead!_ ” I walk away and punch the wall. “ _And I should be, too!_ ”

 

“I wish you wouldn’t think like that. You’re important to a lot of people, Joss.”

 

“Well, _fuck_ ‘em!” I whirl on him. “You don’t get it. None of you get it. I’m in _hell_.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because _I want to die!_ ” In a matter of seconds, I’m on the ground, sobbing. I feel Kolyat’s hand on my arm, and I turn to him, crying into his shoulder. “Why won’t you people just let me go?”


	13. Every End A Beginning

After making sure I won’t be disturbed for a while—and reassuring Kolyat, Kaidan, and my mother that I won’t kill myself—I retreat to my room. Walking into my closet, I change into an ankle-length green dress—the only dress I still own. I pull a leather-bound book from the top shelf, and walk back into the room proper.

 

I kneel in front of a small wooden table. Striking a match, I light two candles—one silver, one gold. I place a small bowl in the center, just behind my father’s athame, and dip two fingers into it. Crossing myself, I stare at the items behind the table.

 

Behind the gold candle, a picture of my father. Behind the silver candle, one of Thane. Behind them both, slightly off-center, a crucifix—my mother’s.

 

Lighting a stick of incense, I blow out the match and close my eyes, inhaling the scent for a moment. I pass my hands over the pentacle on the edge of the altar. “As the wheel turns we see birth, death, and rebirth. Know, from this, that every end is a beginning; every stop a fresh starting point.”

 

I open my eyes, opening the book and propping it on my lap. Its delicate parchment pages crinkle under my hands. I scan the prayer, then fix my eyes firmly on my father’s photo. “Though you have crossed, you are not forgotten. Father of this flesh, giver of life, guide me and protect me.” I dip a finger into the bowl of water and flick a drop or two onto his picture. The candle sputters as a few droplets of water collide with the flame.

 

I turn my eyes toward Thane’s photograph, but as I do, I hear my door hiss open. “Oh!” Kolyat sounds shocked…awed, maybe. It’s difficult to tell. “I’m sorry. I thought…”

 

I stand up, turning toward him. “It’s all right. Do you need something?” Despite being the only one speaking, I can hear another voice saying those words, too. However, Kolyat isn’t looking at me—he’s staring at the altar. “Kolyat?”

 

He finally turns his gaze to me, but he looks embarrassed. “I really didn’t mean to interrupt. It can wait.” He turns to leave.

 

Before he can, I’ve crossed the room and taken his arm. “You’re here now, so just tell me.”

 

He’s silent a moment, just staring at me. “I… I’d been planning to hold a funeral for my father on Kahje. Since that’s no longer an option, I thought…” He trails off, looking uncomfortable.

 

I’m confused. “Kolyat, we already had a memorial service for him. And his body is…well, missing. There’d be nothing to bury.”

 

“From what I’ve been told, that doesn’t always deter humans from doing it.” He blinks a few times. “The memorial service wasn’t my idea, anyway. It was the Council’s. I think as a show of gratitude for what my father did…though Councilor Valern was the only one who came to it.” He shuffles his feet. “I also think it might help you.”

 

“How?” I can feel my hands shaking.

 

“I’ve come to understand that humans see a funeral as…closure.” He starts to pace a bit. “You didn’t have time to mourn my father during the war. There was no closure for you. Even the memorial service…you told me yourself that it didn’t help.”

 

“And you’ve had time to mourn?”

 

He nods. “I spent a bit more time with the priests, as my father wished, but eventually I volunteered as a medic. I wanted to help with the war, but preferred not to kill, if possible. It was painful for a while—I saw my father in the face of every man I helped. But eventually, that stopped.” He stares at me. “But you’re still mourning him. I know he didn’t want that, and I think this would help.”

 

I sigh, sinking onto the edge of my bed. “Kolyat, it’s… I know almost _nothing_ about drell funeral customs.”

 

“I wasn’t suggesting that.” He sits beside me. “I was suggesting a human funeral, Joss.”

 

I stare at him for a good, long minute. “There are a _lot_ of different ‘human’ funeral customs. Which did you have in mind?”

 

“Yours.”

 

* * *

_He’s standing in front of the window. I breathe his name, happy to see he’s still… As I draw closer to him, he gives a few shadow punches toward the window—I know he knows I’m here. “Thane?”_

_He turns, feigning shock—I see it in his eyes. “Siha! I heard Earth was…” Before he can finish, I fly to him, kissing him deeply. “I’m happy to see you, too,” he says, a smile tugging at his lips._

_I want to tell him just how happy I am to see him again; how much I’ve missed him. “I was beginning to think I’d…” My breath catches in my throat._

_“I sent a few messages while you were incarcerated, but I suspect they never got past the guards.” He shifts, staring at me almost longingly. “What are you doing here?”_

_Not sure I want to tell him the full truth—that I rushed to the Citadel to see him alone—I opt for the less truthful route. “Visiting a…friend. Kaidan. He got hurt protecting me.”_

_“The human biotic in intensive care.” He coughs a few times—my heart leaps into my throat, but I force myself not to react. “I saw the marks of an implant.”_

_Swallowing hard, I nod. “Yeah.”_

_“We have spoken. He was holding out hope that a woman would visit him…” I feel my cheeks burst into flame. His eyes search mine. “Is there something I should know about you two?”_

_I take a deep breath. “He’s had a bit of a crush on me since we worked together to take down Saren. I’ve never reciprocated the feeling, but I haven’t figured out how to let him down gently.” I touch his cheek softly. “I’m sorry I never told you.”_

_He puts his hand over mine. “There is no need to apologize.” He smiles. “Your enemies may try to finish him off here. I will look out for him.”_

_“Thank you.”_

_“I am near the end of my life. It is a good time to be generous.” He pauses a moment, staring intently at me. “I have only a few loves left, and you are my last. Let me do what I can for you.” Not even half a second after the last word is out of his mouth, I dive onto his lips. “Well,” he whispers, smiling, “I see you want to make up for lost time.”_

_I lean in to kiss him again, but a muffled honk from outside stops me cold. “No,” I whisper. “Not now. Not again.” I grab his hand and hold it tight. “Please…let me have this…”_

_“Siha?” He looks puzzled._

_The honk comes louder. He turns away from me, pulling his hand back, and we gaze out the window. My stomach churns as a Reaper lands in the middle of the Presidium. Everything lights up with a fiery glow._

_I reach for Thane’s hand, but as I do, the Reaper fires a beam toward us. It hits Thane, and he dissolves…_

“ _No!_ ”

 

“Josslyn?”

 

I sit up in a blind panic, nearly hitting my mother. “I…! Sorry, Mom.”

 

She sits on the edge of the bed, looking at me. “Nightmare?” I nod. “Wanna talk about it?”

 

“No.” I draw my knees up to my chest, still under the covers. “Mom, how did you… How did you do it?”

 

“Do what?”

 

“Deal with Dad’s death? How did you manage not to fall apart like this?” I look up at her. “You never cried. You never lost it this badly.”

 

She looks at me wide-eyed. “You really think that?” I nod. “Joss, I never did that _in front of you_. But you’re out of your mind if you think I never broke down at all.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Honey…” She reaches for my hand. “It’s a parent’s job to be the strong one. When you weren’t around, I cried for hours. I cursed God for taking your father away. I had nightmares—horrible ones. If I hadn’t had you, I don’t… I don’t know what I would have done.” A tear slips down her cheek, and she quickly wipes it away.

 

I feel like a total jerk. “I—I didn’t know.”

 

“That was the point, Josslyn.” She takes an audible breath. “Why do you ask, though?”

 

“I’ve been…” The words come slowly. “I’ve been trying to plan a…funeral.” My throat feels coated in sawdust.

 

She nods. “I remember Kolyat telling me something about that. I thought it was a good idea.”

 

“The…the priest that you got for Dad’s? Is he still around?”

 

“Yeah, I think so. I’ll make a call.” She moves to get up, but I grab her hand. “What?”

 

“Thanks, Mom.”

 

* * *

_From: Liara_

_Subject: A strange discovery_

_Shepard,_

_An agent of mine managed to track down Thane’s body. It was still on the Citadel; apparently, his name was added to the Worthington’s manifest, but they didn’t have time to load him onto the ship before being forced to depart to avoid the Reapers. I’ve arranged for an actual burial, on your behalf, and will send him to Earth in time for the funeral._

 

* * *

_From: Councilor Hannah Shepard_

_Subject: Funeral prep_

_Sweetie,_

_I got in touch with Father Timothy Thetolee for you. He’s agreed to preside over Thane’s funeral, and will follow any religious customs you want. He should be contacting you within the next solar day to discuss the details._

_As for how to get everyone to the funeral, I think I’ve taken care of that hurdle for you. Read the forwarded stuff._

_Love,_

_Mom_

**_BEGIN FORWARDED MESSAGE_ **

_To: Admiral Steven Hackett_

_From: Councilor Hannah Shepard_

_Subject: Normandy_

_Steven,_

_I am formally requesting use of SSV Normandy SR-2 as final transport for the body of Thane Krios. This request also encompasses the onboard presence of several alien nationals, Alliance personnel, and Commander Josslyn Shepard. Attached is the final list of individuals Normandy will be carrying, should the request be authorized._

_I will be awaiting your reply ASAP._

_Hannah D. Shepard_

_Human Councilor, Citadel Council_

_To: Councilor Hannah Shepard_

_From: Admiral Steven Hackett_

_Subject: RE: Normandy_

_Councilor,_

_Per your request, Normandy is authorized as the final transport for Krios’ body. All alien nationals and Alliance personnel have been cleared to board. Commander Shepard is cleared to board, although she is still officially on medical leave._

_Admiral Steven Hackett_

 


	14. Reflections

“ _…while you’re alive, I’m an indestructible master of…_ ”

 

My alarm screeches a centuries-old song. I turn over and slap it off. As I do, my hand catches the glass of water next to it, and it topples to the floor, the last few drops spilling onto the carpet. “Shit,” I moan. I climb out from under the blankets and stand up. I glance around the room, and my eyes finally settle on the altar.

 

And then I remember what day it is. My heart sinks.

 

After a quick shower, I step into my closet, trying to decide what to wear. Nothing seems just right. I own very little that’s pure black to begin with, but I’m not sure I want to go that route. My hands whip through the hangers with practiced speed—and then I stop. My dress uniform.

 

I inhale sharply. Though I’m on medical leave, I’m still in the Alliance. It wouldn’t be completely out of line to wear it. I touch a finger to the ribbons on the side, but I linger on the Star of Terra a moment longer than the others. The award for surviving an “impossible” situation.

 

_“You’ve built a career on performing the impossible.”_

 

“Yes, I have.” _And I will again._

 

I pull the uniform out and leave the closet. I dress as fast as care allows—I don’t want to snag a thread. Pulling open the drawer in my nightstand, I pick up my dog tags and slip them around my neck, tucking them inside the uniform. Before closing the drawer, I open a small velvet box and remove the diamond bracelet from within it, fastening it around my left wrist.

 

As I head downstairs, I hear Kolyat and Kaidan talking in the kitchen. “Shepard,” Kaidan says, seeing me approach. He’s in his dress uniform as well. “You hungry? I could, uh…make something, if you want.”

 

I’d normally make a joke, but today… “I’m not really hungry, but thanks.” I sit down at the table, dropping my face into my hands.

 

“Joss,” Kolyat says, “you should eat something. There will be very few opportunities to do so later.”

 

I look up. They’re both staring at me, pity in their eyes. “Fine,” I say, defeated. “Just give me a muffin or something.”

 

I nibble at a blueberry muffin, listening to Kaidan and Kolyat talk some more. They’re sharing stories about the war—and the moment I realize it, a knot forms in my stomach. After a minute, I hear Udina’s name…

 

_“Shepard’s blocking our escape! She’s with Cerberus!”_

_Kaidan steps in front of Udina. “Just…hang on!” He looks at me, still aiming his pistol. “I got this. Everyone calm down.”_

_I lower my own weapon. “I can explain this, Kaidan.”_

_“Come on, Shepard.” He shifts a bit, still blocking Udina. “Gun drawn on a councilor? Kinda looks bad.”_

_Out of the corner of my eye, I notice my squad raising their weapons again, but I motion for them to stop. “We don’t have time to negotiate. You’ve been fooled, all of you. Udina’s behind this attack. The salarian councilor confirmed it.”_

_They look skeptical. “Please,” Udina says scathingly, stepping forward. “You have no proof. You never do!”_

_I point back toward the elevator. “There are Cerberus soldiers in the elevator shaft behind us. If you open that door, they’ll kill you all!”_

_Udina’s frown deepens, but after a second, Tevos looks at me. “We’ve mistrusted Shepard before, and it did not help us.”_

_“We don’t have time to debate this.” Udina walks to the console. “We’re dead if we stay out here. I’m overriding the lock.”_

_I give Kaidan a look, raising my weapon at Udina again. He moves to block my shot, then… “I better not regret this.” He turns toward Udina._

_“You won’t.”_

“Joss?” Kolyat’s voice shocks me back to the present. “We should go.”

 

I’m silent the entire trip to the spaceport. Staring out the window, watching people. They seem happy. Part of me wonders why I can’t be like them. Another part of me knows I will never be like them—not after the things I’ve seen and done. As we pull up to the spaceport, I spot the Normandy, glittering in the sunlight.

 

_“She’s quick and quiet and you know the crew. Perfect ship for a Spectre. Treat her well, Commander.”_

 

I smile. Maybe not the same Normandy, but still…

 

Walking into the building, Kolyat looks at me. “Are you all right?”

 

I nod. “Just thinking. That’s all.” I head up the gangway behind Kaidan. As we enter the ship, I see Joker and EDI on the bridge—doing pre-flight checks, I assume. They don’t turn to greet me.

 

I head toward the CIC. Even with a skeleton crew, very few of them seem to notice me. I walk over toward the elevator, but as I enter, Kolyat grabs my arm. “Joss,” he says, his voice low, “where are you headed?”

 

I turn to him, trying to smile. “Don’t worry; I’m not going to lock myself in the Life Support plant. I just want to…walk around.”

 

He nods. “All right. I’ll meet you in the shuttle bay when we get to the Citadel.” He steps back, and the doors close.

 

I head to the crew deck. When the elevator doors open, I’m staring at the Memorial Wall. My eyes are drawn to the scar I left during my tantrum—but the space is blank. The broken plate isn’t on the floor. I search the rest of the wall, but his name is nowhere to be found. I’m angry…but after a moment, it subsides. There are more important things to fix—homeworlds, lives.

 

I head toward the XO’s cabin. When the door opens, I notice it’s been restored to how it looked when Miranda roomed in it. I can almost see her, sitting at the desk.

 

_“_ _We're all hoping you can do the impossible, Shepard. No pressure.”_

 

I lean on the doorframe, smiling. I never expected to get along with her—being a Cerberus operative—but she was the one responsible for bringing me back. And if she hadn’t, I’d never have… I wipe a tear away, and push away from the door.

 

Next stop is the battery. As I enter, I notice it’s been cleaned within an inch of its life. Looks like no one has ever even set foot inside. But I know that’s not true.

 

_“Can it wait for a bit? I’m in the middle of some calibrations.”_

 

Despite my mopey mood, I can’t help but laugh. Typical Garrus.

 

I head for the AI core. It’s a bit warmer than the rest of the ship, and I nearly leave, but…

 

_“_ _We oppose the heretics. We oppose the Old Machines. Shepard-Commander opposes the Old Machines. Shepard-Commander opposes the heretics. Cooperation furthers mutual goals._ _”_

 

I turn to leave, heading back into the med bay, but I stop cold. I remember Mordin working on the genophage cure here, in the med bay. I can almost see him, hunched over the microscope, humming…

 

_“Asari-vorcha offspring have an allergy to dairy, and…”_

 

Another tear. I wipe it away and head to the observation deck. I gaze for a moment at the middle of the floor—where Samara used to sit, meditating.

 

_“_ _I will fight and struggle all my life. That is my fate. When I die, it will not be in bed. I am at peace with that.”_

 

I sigh. I used to think that way as well…hoping it would be so. Going out in a blaze of glory, being legendary forever without dealing with the fame… It had been tempting.

 

I walk down the hall to the lounge. No alcohol is stocked—a pity, I could use a drink about now—and the poker table is missing. But I remember Kasumi, sitting on the couch, reading an actual book.

 

_“People are talking out there…and I hear it all.”_

 

I turn around and start toward the elevator, but after only two steps, I stop. I stare at the door to the Life Support plant, touching it softly. But I won’t go in. I know if I do, I won’t want to come back out.

 

I take the elevator down to Engineering. I walk into the port cargo bay, and I’m slightly disheartened to see it’s entirely empty. Nothing even in storage there. I see a small dent in the wall, and smiling, remember how it got there—when Grunt shoved me into it.

 

_“_ _Ha! Offer one hand, but arm the other. Wise, Shepard.”_

 

I wander down to the subdeck, where Jack used to stay. It’s cluttered, and I can’t get down the stairs entirely, but that doesn’t stop me from hearing her voice.

 

_“_ _They thought they were so clever. Turns out, mess with someone's head enough, you can turn a scared little kid into an all-powerful bitch. Fuckin' idiots.”_

 

I walk back up into Engineering proper, and stop near the console Tali used to monitor. The two engineers weave around me, trying not to make eye contact.

 

_“_ _I can't believe we destroyed the Collector base. They said it couldn't be done! Then again, that's been said about a lot of things you do._ _”_

 

After a moment, I meander over to the starboard cargo bay. It’s not quite as cluttered as the subdeck, but yet again, the clutter doesn’t stop me from hearing a voice—Zaeed this time.

 

_“_ _Shepard! I was just waxing goddamn nostalgic!”_

 

Now feeling less than cheerful, I head down to the shuttle bay. Kolyat and Kaidan both turn to see me. “Shepard?” Kaidan says, his brow furrowing. “You all right?”

 

“Yeah,” I lie. “Just thinking.”

 

They give me a knowing look, but say nothing. “We’re pulling into the Citadel,” Kaidan says after a moment. “I thought you’d want to be here for…well…” He rubs his neck nervously.

 

“I know, Kaidan. And you’re right. I do.”

 

I feel the ship stop moving, and a moment later, the shuttle bay door opens. A crowd is standing on the dock; in their midst, I see many familiar faces, all chattering away. In front of them are four Alliance soldiers, standing beside a casket. As I walk down the ramp toward them, they snap to a salute. All talking ceases as the crowd turns toward us.

 

I’m startled for a moment, staring at their uniforms. _Three Lieutenants and a Commander? That’s unusual._ I glance to the Commander’s face—and smile. My cousin Peter. His lips curl into a small smile as he catches my eye. “Permission to come aboard, Commander?”

 

On the fringes of the crowd, I spot my mother; she nods to me. I return the salute. “Permission granted.”

 

They lift the casket shoulder-high, carrying it past me and into the shuttle bay. The crowd slowly wanders up the ramp, in small groups. Most at least nod toward me; some don’t even acknowledge me. When everyone is off the dock and onboard, Kaidan turns to me. “I’ll tell Joker we’re ready.” The shuttle bay door rumbles as it closes behind us.

 

“All right.” I wander toward Kolyat; he’s staring at the casket. The soldiers are standing next to it, at attention. I put a hand on Kolyat’s shoulder. “You all right?”

 

For a moment, he doesn’t answer—his eyes tell me he’s lost in a memory. Then he turns to me, a tear streaking down his cheek. “Yes, I’m all right,” he murmurs. I don’t believe him, but I don’t say anything. With a bittersweet smile, he walks off toward Liara. I watch them talk for a moment, then turn away.

 

I want to talk to Peter, but know the honor guard is required to be silent. Instead, I pull a crate over to the side of the casket and sit. As I do, the ship shudders—presumably taking off again—and my hand lands on the lid. The metal is cold, and I pull back with a shudder of my own.

 

_“Siha, I’m afraid I’ve picked a bad time to leave.”_

 

I feel like crying, but steel myself. The murmur of voices behind me is maddening. _They’ll talk to each other, but not to me. It’s as if I’m not even here._

 

_“Perhaps they don’t know what to say.”_

 

My hand curls into a fist. _They could at least try._

 

_“You wish they would speak to you, but if they did, would you not then wish they’d simply left you alone with your thoughts? Be patient, Josslyn. They will find the words eventually.”_

 

“Shepard?” Kaidan’s voice cuts through my thoughts. He motions to the empty space next to me. “Can I sit, or would you rather…?”

 

“Go ahead,” I mutter, dropping my gaze to my knees.

 

He starts to talk, but I’m not paying attention. Of all the people I’d have chosen to speak to, he isn’t the one. _Kolyat, Liara, even one of the Councilors. Not Kaidan. Not now…_

 

One of his arms is suddenly around my waist, holding me firmly to the crate as the deck shifts sharply. I look over at him, angry at his boldness…but he’s staring back at me, an apology on his face. “What the hell…”

 

“We shifted to FTL,” he says, releasing me. “I tried to warn you, but I guess you weren’t listening.”

 

“Oh.” _Well, now I just feel stupid._ I can feel my cheeks going red. “Well, thank you.”

 

“It’s all right…Commander,” he says slowly. “Would you rather I left you alone? ‘Cause you seem like you’re distracted right now.”

 

I’m silent a moment. “No, Kaidan, it’s fine. You can stay.”

 

For a solid minute, the only sounds are the murmuring of voices behind me and the incessant hum of the engines. “I’ve been talking to Kolyat,” Kaidan says.

 

“About what?” I look back toward the floor.

 

“His dad.” I hear him take a deep breath. “He mentioned that his dad’s the one that saved Councilor Valern. You…uh, you never told me that, Shepard.”

 

“You never asked.” I can feel my hands shaking. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Kaidan reaching for one of my hands—without a fuss, I let him take it. I just want contact with another breathing being.

 

“How’d he do it?”

 

_“Three against one. It’s over.” I level the barrel of my pistol at the enemy’s chest._

_“No,” he says with a grin. “Now it’s fun.”_

_I watch as Thane gracefully drops behind him, surprising the foe. They exchange blows for a few moments, then…the flash of a sword. There’s blood…Thane falls…_

_The bastard grins at me, running toward the exit. A split second, and I’ll lose him. Painfully, I force myself after him, firing but always missing—the shots bounce off his barriers or simply go wild. He climbs onto a waiting skycar. From behind me, I hear gunfire. I turn. Thane’s firing as well, but after a moment, he slumps against the wall, falling. The skycar drives off._

_I rush to Thane. “How bad is it?”_

_He smiles, though I know he must be in pain. “I have time. Catch him.”_

 

“I don’t want to talk about it, Kaidan.”

 

“Shepard…” he starts, but I hear someone call him from behind us. “I’ll be back,” he says, getting up and walking away.

 

Trying to forget the memory—but knowing I probably won’t—I absently finger the bracelet. I glance at it; flawless synthetic diamonds set in rose gold. A most precious gift from a wonderful man.

 

_The comm terminal beeps. Absently, I hit the button. “Yes?”_

_“Siha.” His voice floats out of the speaker. “I have something I’d like to discuss with you. May I come up?”_

_I grin, thankful he can’t see how wide it is. “Of course.” The comm clicks off—but not a moment later, my door beeps. I walk over to it, opening it. He’s standing there, smiling. “That was awfully fast.”_

_The smile widens a bit as he steps past me into the room. “You did seem to enjoy that speed on our mission.”_

_I close the door, leaning against it. “Thankfully, you’re not that fast with everything.” He turns sharply, his brow ridges furrowed. After a second, he relaxes, shaking his head. I laugh, walking over to him and gently caressing his cheek. “Sorry. I’ll stop with the bad jokes. You had something you wanted to talk about?”_

_He looks sheepish. “No. I…I feared you would say no if I gave the real reason.”_

_“I wouldn’t do that.” I plant a gentle kiss on his lips. “What did you want?”_

_“I wished to give you this.” He reaches into a pocket of his coat, removing a small velvet box and handing it to me._

_I open it gently, gazing in amazed wonder at the diamond bracelet within. “Thane, I…” I look at it, and then back to him. “Thank you! But…why?”_

_He smiles. “Our mission is complete. We may not have much more time together. I wanted to give you something to…remember me by, as humans say.”_

 

“Shepard?” Kaidan’s voice breaks through my thoughts. I stare at him. “We’re about thirty minutes out. Anything you need?” I shake my head, and he simply nods, walking off.

 

_I knock on the door of Life Support. After a moment, I hear a muffled voice telling me to come in. I open the door and walk inside—then stop in my tracks._

_He’s stripped to the waist, a towel in his hand. “Shepard,” he says, looking up at me. “Do you need something?”_

_I can feel myself turning red. “I didn’t mean to disturb you…I’ll come back later.” I turn and head for the door._

_“Wait.” The word alone makes me freeze. I turn around, facing him again, as he walks toward me. He’s slipped a loose-fitting shirt on. “I was only exercising. It can wait. What do you need?”_

_“It’s not important,” I say, trying to stop blushing. “I…I just needed to talk to a friend.” He motions for me to sit, and I walk over to the table and take my usual chair. He pulls the other over closer to me. “I promise I won’t take too much of your time.”_

_“As I believe I told you the last time we spoke: time for me is short, but any I have is yours to take.” He smiles, folding his hands in front of him. “I will listen as long as you like.”_

_I sigh, staring down at the table. “It’s…a bit silly, but today would be my father’s fifty-seventh birthday.” I look up at him. “I haven’t thought about it in years. His birthday, I mean. I haven’t really marked the occasion since The Blitz happened. I’ve had…other things to focus on.” I shift in the chair. “I think it’s the whole ‘suicide mission’ thing that’s got me thinking about it. I mean…” I trail off._

_“Yes?”_

_I sigh again. “I’ve never told anyone, but the last thing… The last conversation I had with him was an argument. Even my mother doesn’t know.” I hold his gaze for a moment. “Thinking about that… It’s made me realize I don’t want something like that to happen ever again.”_

_He blinks a few times. “Josslyn, you made your feelings for me quite clear the last time we spoke. I…” He stands, meandering over toward the gun racks on the far wall. With a sigh of his own this time, he leans against it, staring at me. “I suppose I haven’t made my feelings as clear.”_

_I try to swallow the dread I feel. I knew I’d come on too strong. “I don’t want to put you in an awkward position,” I say thickly, the words tumbling out as fast as they can. “I should go.”_

_As I pass by him, he slips an arm about my waist, stopping me short. “Don’t,” he whispers. Within a moment, both his arms are around me, and I’m facing him, my arms against his chest. It seems nothing else needs to be said; he leans down and presses his lips against mine_ …

 

“Joss?”

 

I look up sharply; Kolyat is staring at me. “What, Kolyat?”

 

He motions to the shuttle bay door—it’s open. The crowd in the shuttle bay is walking out, standing to one side or the other on the street. Several people remain in the shuttle bay—the pallbearers, the honor guard, and Kaidan. I take a deep breath—the air is different than it was in London. Cleaner. Crisper. _Crap—we’re in New Hampshire, aren’t we? Damn it, Mom… I’m gonna have to visit Dad before we leave._

 

I stand up and move next to Kaidan as the honor guard moves away from the casket. The pallbearers take their places: Grunt and Garrus at the very back, Jacob and Zaeed in the middle, Jack and Kolyat at the front. The honor guard flanks them: two in front, two in back. They lift the casket shoulder-high, and slowly exit the bay, and I follow with Kaidan.

 

Though I know it’s only a short distance to the cemetery, maybe about half a mile, I’m expecting cars to transport everyone—so I’m shocked when I step out and spot a line of Alliance soldiers on either side of the street. Veterans of the Reaper War—and some sporting the Cerberus coup memorial ribbon on their uniform. As the casket passes them, they snap to a salute.

 

I grab Kaidan’s arm to steady myself. He says nothing, but pats my hand knowingly. We fall into step behind the pallbearers; the rest of the mourners fall into line behind us. Half a mile—we’ve walked much farther before, carrying weapons and armor, but somehow this feels much worse.

 

I try to focus on something—anything—to keep myself from slipping into another memory. Footsteps. Kaidan’s breathing. My own breathing. It strikes me just how quiet it is—there’s no city noise. No cars, no construction, no voices. Just the footsteps of those around me, and the sound of quiet breathing.

 

I look ahead, and see Father Thetolee waiting for us at the gates of the cemetery. Standing next to him is someone I’m actually shocked to see: Admiral Hackett. As we approach, Father Thetolee turns into the cemetery, leading the procession toward the gravesite, but Admiral Hackett steps to the side. When the pallbearers pass, he salutes the casket. Though the other soldiers along the route dropped the salute as soon as it had moved on, he holds it as I pass. I know I’m not expected to return it, but it feels strange not to. I hear his footsteps fall into the crowd behind me.

 

It’s a short walk to the graveside—I see chairs lined up near the freshly dug hole, a blue glow emanating from it. The pallbearers lay the casket on the mass effect field over the grave, then step back. When all have seated themselves, there are fourteen of us standing around the casket: Father Thetolee, Kolyat, Garrus, Tali, Miranda, Jacob, Grunt, Jack, Samara, Zaeed, Kasumi (actually visible, for a change), Liara, Feron, and me. With the sole exception of the priest, all of us worked with Thane.

 

Father Thetolee begins to speak, but I can’t focus. There’s a dull ringing in my ears. Trying to look like I’m involved in the words, I gaze at his stole—symbols of several faiths are embroidered on it, including a few non-human ones. I look around at the others in the circle—and notice not one is crying. A few I don’t expect it from, like Zaeed or Garrus or Jack, but even Liara looks stoic and stone-faced.

 

I want to cry, but at the same time, I don’t. I can’t break down in front of all these people, even if most of them are my friends. Only a few people have actually seen me break down—Mom, Kolyat, and Garrus—and I don’t want to give anyone a reason to doubt that I’m fit for duty.

 

My ears finally clear in time to hear Father Thetolee begin the prayer. I say the words under my breath with him, hearing a few of the others do the same. He gives a short, silent blessing to the casket, then moves away. The others follow, and I hear the seated mourners starting to leave their seats. But instead of following, I take a step closer. As I start to focus on my surroundings, out of the corner of my eye, I catch a familiar willow tree—then spot the headstone immediately to the right of the tree.

 

_Devon Shepard_

_November 23, 2128 – April 15, 2169_

 

My expression must be visible, because immediately, I hear my mother’s voice in my ear. “I thought it was appropriate. Now we’ll have two reasons to visit.”

 

“I don’t think I can afford to visit as often as I’m going to want to,” I whisper, “but thanks, Mom.” I feel a single tear slide down my cheek. “It’s nice to know he’ll have company.”

 

She pats my back. “I’ll be waiting near the car. Don’t take too long.” Without too much sound, she saunters away.

 

I lay a shaking hand on the lid of the casket. As I do, a single snowflake lands on the back of my hand. Another tear streaks down my face.

 

_“The universe is a dark place. I’m trying to make it brighter before I die.”_

 

I lift my hand off the casket as more flakes fall around me. “At least you brightened part of it,” I whisper. “Goodbye, Thane.”


	15. Weeping Heart

** November 16, 2187 **

 

“Uh, Mom?” I stare around my room at several large boxes. “What the hell is this stuff?”

 

Her voice echoes through the apartment as she yells up the stairs. “Found it at the New Hampshire house, hon. It’s your old civvies and other stuff. Thought you might like to have them here.”

 

“Thanks.” _Yay, high school memories. Ew._ I grab the nearest box, pulling the top open and staring into it. It smells faintly musty, and I’m wondering how long it’s been since the clothes inside have been washed. I pull out a black sweatshirt, unfolding it. The N7 logo on its chest still looks brand new. I toss it onto my bed and dig through the rest of the box. It’s filled with my old FNG gear; worn-down boots, tattered uniforms, and the like.

 

I shift the box to the side, and open another. On the very top is a small rectangular box, an engraved plate on the top boasting a _Happy 16 th Birthday, Josslyn_. I open the top gingerly. Inside are an assortment of earrings, necklaces, ear cuffs, and rings. I set the jewelry box to the side and paw through the rest of the stuff in the box; high school clothes, stuff that probably won’t fit me anymore. I look at the last box, and decide against opening it right now. _Knowing Mom, it’s my baby clothes or something like that._

 

From downstairs, I hear the clock ring 21:00. Inexplicably, I’m craving human contact. I pull on the N7 hoodie, choose a few trinkets from the jewelry box (an ear cuff and my high school class ring), my dog tags, and the bracelet from Thane. I pull my hair into a ponytail; it’s far too long, reaching the middle of my back. I’ll have to get it cut before I return to active duty.

 

For fun, I slide down the railing, jumping off at the landing; something I haven’t done in at least a decade. “I’m going out,” I say, passing my mom in the kitchen.

 

“Wait a minute!”

 

I stop and turn. “What?”

 

“Where are you going?”

 

I shrug. “I hadn’t really decided that yet. Probably to grab a drink somewhere.”

 

“You’d better not,” she warns. “The memorial’s tomorrow. It wouldn’t be right for you to be hungover, or worse, not go because you’re still drunk.”

 

I sigh. “Dammit, Mom, I’m thirty-three. If I want a drink, I’ll have a drink.” Without letting her say anything else, I walk out of the apartment.

 

As soon as I step out into the street, I pull the hoodie close around me. It’s not freezing, but it’s not exactly beach weather, either. At least I can’t see my breath. I wander down the street, trying not to look directly at anyone as they pass me. A few heads turn, but thankfully, they keep their distance.

 

After fifteen minutes, I start to hear a thundering bassline. The more I walk, the clearer it becomes, and I can start to hear other instruments, including a distinct fiddle. I look up as I come upon the building. _McCrae’s Pub_ is emblazoned in green neon above the door.

 

I walk in. The bouncer notices me immediately, but instead of harassing me for ID, he takes one look at my sweatshirt and nods. _Pays to be N7_. I sidle up to the bar, noticing an asari pouring drinks. As she turns, she catches my eye. “Shepard?” she mouths.

 

“Matriarch Aethyta?”

 

She steps over to me. “What can I get you?”

 

I think for a minute, but I’ve been craving it since I left the house, so it’s an easy answer. “A Weeping Heart.”

 

She doesn’t move for a moment, then ducks under the bar. “I think we have drell venom. Let me check.” Another minute, and she slams a bottle on the counter. “One Weeping Heart, coming up.” As she’s making the drink, she and I make small talk; discussing Liara and the upcoming memorial. When I try to pay for the drink, she waves my hand away. “On the house, Shepard.”

 

“Shepard?” a familiar voice calls from behind me.

 

“Oh my gods,” I mutter. I turn, and sure enough… “Conrad, what are you doing here?”

 

He walks toward me with a noticeable limp. “I’m in town for the memorial. I thought you’d be here too.”

 

“What’s with the limp?” I ask, probably a little too tactlessly. I take a sip of the drink. The venom doesn’t hit me right away.

 

He smiles. “Jenna and I helped get people off the Citadel. I joined up with the Alliance after you set me straight on Cerberus.” He sits on a stool next to me. “I was going to be a hero like you, but then I took a bullet in the knee.”

 

“What happened with Jenna, by the way?”

 

“Oh!” He beams. “We got married.”

 

An honest-to-gods smile breaks out on my face. “Conrad, that’s great!”

 

“Yeah.” He takes a sip of his beer. “You’re gonna be at the memorial tomorrow, right?”

 

I nod. “I don’t really have a choice. My absence would be pretty noticeable.” As I take another sip of my drink, I take a quick look at the pool tables in back –  and my eyes spot a familiar pair; a human girl and a young male drell. “Conrad, will you excuse me?”

 

“Sure,” he says. “Good to see you, Shepard.”

 

“You too,” I reply, half-aware of him. I stride over to the pool table as the girl shoots, her ball missing the pocket. “Oriana? Kolyat? I didn’t know you two were going to be here.”

 

Kolyat turns to me. “Ori is teaching me to play.” He hands his drink to her as he lines up for his shot.

 

I look at her. “I didn’t know you played.”

 

“It’s not really a difficult game. Miri taught me, so I figured I’d teach Kolyat. That way I’ll have someone to play with on a regular basis.” She looks at him. “Take your time.”

 

“I’d planned on it,” he retorts.

 

She looks back at me, at my drink. “What is that? A martini?”

 

“Weeping Heart.”

 

Kolyat misses the cue ball by a foot. “What?” He looks at me, eyes wide.

 

“Don’t start.”

 

He opens his mouth to start again, but shuts it as he catches sight of my face. He turns to Oriana. “Let me try again?” She nods, and he focuses his sights back on the table.

 

“Why’d he go all…” she whispers to me.

 

“I can hear you,” Kolyat says clearly, still focused on the table.

 

“I don’t care,” Ori says in a singsong-y voice. She looks at me again. “A Weeping Heart. I’ve never had one. Is it good?”

 

I wink. “If you don’t mind the drell venom, yeah.”

 

She giggles, then her eyes go wide. “Oh! But you…oh.” She puts her hand over her mouth. “I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s fine,” I say, patting her shoulder.

 

I watch Kolyat as he shoots; the ball goes wide and misses by easily a foot. He takes his drink back from her and sidles up to me, his eyes still on Oriana. “So,” he whispers, “do I have to watch you to make sure you don’t get drunk, Joss?”

 

“I swear to gods, Kolyat…”

 

He shakes his head. “Okay, okay, I won’t.” After a moment of silence, he speaks again. “Your language is fascinating.”

 

“How so?”

 

“Pool. The word has many meanings; this game, a place for swimming, a collection of money placed in a bet…” He trails off. “So many meanings for one word. Fascinating.” Another minute passes, and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small box, handing it to me.

 

“What is this? A present?”

 

He shakes his head again. “I’ve asked a lot of people if I should keep it or give it to you. It was on my father when he was…” He trails off. After a moment… “I think he’d want you to have it, after all.” With a click, I hear Ori take her shot. Kolyat stares at me a moment longer, then heads to the table.

 

I put the box in my own pocket. This isn’t the place to find out what little gift Thane had left me. I drain the glass, and head toward the bar for another.

 

Before I can order, I feel a presence behind me. I turn; a female drell is handing me another martini glass. “One Weeping Heart for Commander Shepard?”

 

I take it, immediately suspicious. “Who are you?”

 

She motions me toward a table, and I follow. We sit, and she sips her own drink. “My name is Alinu Kees. I was hoping you’d let me speak to you for a few minutes.”

 

I take a generous gulp of my drink. “About?”

 

“I’m organizing a protest tomorrow…”

 

“At the memorial?” She nods. “You’re protesting the memorial?”

 

“No.” She sips her drink again. “We’re protesting Council interference with a matter of our people’s health.”

 

I furrow my brow, confused…till it hits me as I sip my drink again. “A cure?!”

 

She nods slowly. “The Council is demanding they be the ones to administer the cure to only those who can afford to purchase it. I was hoping you’d agree to speak to them on our behalf.” She looks deep into my eyes. “I know you understand,” she says, reaching out and taking my hand. “You understand what this will mean for my people. Will you help us, Commander?”

 

I look down at the table a moment, then back at her. “Are you sure it works?”

 

“I have very reliable sources, Shepard. It works. And we need it.”

 

I drain my glass in one gulp. “What exactly do you want me to do?”

 

“Give us a voice,” she says. “The Council ignores our pleas, and the hanar have been similarly ignored.”

 

I shake my head. “The Council doesn’t usually listen to me, either. Not till it’s too late, really.”

 

“Your mother sits on the Council, yes?” I nod slowly. “If we can get through to even one of them, Shepard, the rest may follow their lead.”

 

“And you want me to talk to my mother about this?”

 

“Actually…” She purses her lips. “I was perhaps thinking you could say a few words on the matter at the memorial ceremony tomorrow.”

 

“I’m already in enough trouble with the Alliance _and_ the Council. You want me to add to that?”

 

She looks at me, her expression sad. “My people are dying, Commander. How much longer must we wait?” She takes both our empty glasses in hand, standing up. “All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.” She stares at me. “He knew that too, Shepard. Would you dishonor his memory? Would you let his son suffer as he did?” Before I can say another word, she melts into the crowd.

 

Unnerved, I leave the bar. The entire walk home, I can’t keep her final words out of my mind. _Would you dishonor his memory? Would you let his son suffer as he did?_

 

I unlock the door and enter the apartment, careful to be quiet, as I know my mother’s already asleep. I head up to my room, trying to move the boxes away from my bed as quietly as possible.

 

Sitting on the edge of my bed with my head in my hands, I ponder her parting words again. _All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. I know I’ve heard that before… Is she saying the Council is evil? I mean, yeah, they’re a bunch of greedy bastards. I’ve always known that. But…evil?_

 

I dig into my pocket and pull out the small box Kolyat had handed me. I’d almost forgotten about it. With a trembling hand, I open it.

 

In between delicate folds of velvet sits a diamond ring.


	16. Protest

November 17

 

I stare out the window of the car, watching the cheering crowds pass as we draw closer to the event. With a nervous hand, I fidget with the ring – having decided to wear it.

 

“I wish you would take that off,” my mother scolds. “It’s against uniform code, and you know that.”

 

“Bullshit. Your wedding ring isn’t.”

 

“Wedding bands aren’t. Engagement rings are.” She stares at me. “That, and…”

 

“Hackett’s not going to throw me in the brig over one single ring. It’s not coming off.” I finally look at her. “Besides, you really think with everything that was going on that this was going to be an _engagement ring_?” She looks out the window, and we spend the rest of the car ride in angry silence.

 

The car pulls to a stop, and I pop the door and climb out before my mother can say another word. I walk briskly past the rope line, past the throngs of reporters screaming my name and into the building where the guests of honor are congregating.

 

As I approach a small group, one of them turns toward me – Kaidan. “Shepard,” he says, “you okay?” The others walk off, and I notice one of them is Councilor Valern.

 

“Fine.”

 

“You look pissed.”

 

I shake my head. “You don’t want to go there, Kaidan. Just leave it be.”

 

He nods. “They bring you in the back way?”

 

“Still a shitload of reporters clogging ‘the back way,’ if so.” I look around. “Did you see the…”

 

“The protest? Yeah. Couldn’t miss it.” He looks me up and down, then shakes his head. “Don’t do it.”

 

“Don’t do what?”

 

“I’m not stupid, Shepard. You’re planning to say something. Don’t do it.”

 

“Since when do I take orders from you?”

 

“I _outrank_ you.”

 

“Only according to Alliance ranks. I still have seniority over you as a Spectre.” I start to walk away, but he grabs my arm. “Let go of me, Alenko.”

 

“Josslyn, don’t…” He catches sight of my left hand. “Since when are you married?” I say nothing. Then it seems to dawn on him. “Oh.”

 

I tug my arm free of his hand. “ _Don’t_ tell me what to do, Kaidan.”

 

“Fine. You want to be dishonorably discharged? I won’t stop you.” He stomps away, toward another group of people.

 

I turn toward the wall to hide my anger, still fidgeting with the ring. As much as I hate to admit it, Kaidan’s right – speaking out against the Council _could_ get me into a lot of trouble. But at the same time, if the Council is being selfish… I rub my temples. _What am I going to do?_

 

I wait for an answer, but none comes. I haven’t heard his voice since the funeral. I feel a tap on my shoulder, and spin to face…Liara. “Hi,” I say shortly.

 

She motions to my hand. “I’m glad to see he finally gave it to you.” I nod. “Are you all right, Shepard?”

 

“No. I…” I sigh, fighting back tears. “Tell me it works. Tell me the damn thing works.” Hoping beyond hope she knows what I’m talking about, I wait.

 

She nods slowly. “Feron insisted on being the first to try it,” she whispers. “It works, Shepard. It’s finally done.” She takes my hands in hers. “But I can’t say anything without drawing suspicion, and too many people already know who I am.”

 

“Should I, though? I mean…”

 

“If you don’t, who will?”

 

I pause a moment. _Is this the purpose I’ve been looking for?_ I stare past Liara, to the growing group of people across the hall. Councilor Valern catches my eye for a moment, then turns away. _Even if the Council doesn’t listen to me, the people will. And they won’t be ignored for long._ I draw a shaking breath. “You’re right. You’re…” I cock an eyebrow. “You sent the protest leader to talk to me last night in the bar.”

 

She smiles. “She and I were talking in the corner when I saw you come in. And yes, I told her to talk to you. She didn’t think you’d be that sympathetic, so I told her about Thane.” She takes her hands away. “But in the end, Shepard, it’s your decision. Just make it a good one.” She saunters away, in that graceful, almost fluid way of hers.

 

I look up, out of the dome overhead. It’s a clear day; the sun’s not quite at its peak, but it’s close. _Gods, give me strength._

 

From somewhere not far away, a bell chimes four times. The disparate groups start to walk out, converging with each other near the doorway. I follow behind all of them, taking my place on the dais next to Kaidan. My mother is on the other side of the podium, seated with Hackett and the Council. In front of the dais, there are wreaths and flowers; symbols for the fallen. I look out into the audience, trying to find any familiar faces, but before I can, Tevos takes the podium. While she’s speaking—thanking everyone for attending, just the standard bullshit—my eye catches a sign in the crowd, held up by a young drell. _Council Greed Must Go! Cure Kepral’s Now!_ For a moment, the drell and I lock eyes, and I nod subtly. As he nods back, two MPs grab him by the shoulders, escorting him from the crowd. My blood starts a slow boil. _What hell did I wake up into, where criticism is silenced?_

 

Kaidan leans over. “I saw that,” he hisses through clenched teeth.

 

“Bite me, Alenko,” is my equally hissed reply. He silences with a look of disbelief.

 

“…On this spot, one year ago today, the Reapers were defeated.” Tevos keeps talking. “One brave woman saved us all, and we owe her a great deal.” She motions to me. “Commander Josslyn Shepard.” She steps back from the podium as the entire crowd breaks into a standing ovation.

 

I stand, a bit shaky, and make my way to the podium. “Thank you,” I mutter into the microphone, adjusting it a bit. As the crowd sits, I spot the familiar faces I’ve been looking for—in the fourteenth row. Joker, Vega, Cortez, Ken and Gabby… _All Alliance. Where’s…?_ Some rows behind them, I spot Garrus’ eyepiece, but I can’t see any others in the crowd. I suddenly feel very alone and exposed. But I’m committed.

 

“Thank you,” I say again. I take a deep breath. _Here goes nothing._ “While it would be very easy for me to claim to have defeated the Reapers single-handedly, it just wouldn’t be true. I had the help of a great many people, both military and civilians. Some are among the crowd today, and others… Others gave their lives in the service of a just cause.” I pause as a smattering of applause breaks out. “And others among the survivors of this fight still suffer.”

 

Out of the corner of my eye, I spot the councilors shift uncomfortably. Hackett leans over out of my peripheral view—probably to talk to my mother.

 

I focus on the crowd, my jaw set, my voice steady. “They suffer the threat of extinction, for few of their number survived the Reapers’ onslaught on their homeworlds. They suffer the threat of death, as potential new homeworlds are toxic to them. And we turn our backs, condemn them to their fate. For their sacrifice, we thank them with _nothing_!” A low rumble starts in the back of the crowd. “We bestow honors on many, but honors are not what they need! Honors will not feed them, will not clothe them, will not shelter them, will not _save their lives_!”

 

The councilors stand up, and though Tevos moves to remove the microphone from my reach, I swat her hand away. The low rumble in the back of the crowd is growing even larger; some are chanting my name. “Why can we not help to find homeworlds for those that have lost them? Homeworlds that can sustain them, that can help to rebuild their numbers? Homeworlds that will not _kill them_?!” The chanting grows as Tevos reaches for the microphone again. This time I put up a barrier around me. “We cured the genophage when we needed help from the krogan! When the Council said it couldn’t be done, it _shouldn’t_ be done, brilliant minds _did it anyway_! And some _gave their all_ to see it done!”

 

Out of the crowd, I hear a ringing chorus of “Mordin Solus! Mordin Solus!” I pause and look; Wrex is leading a group of krogan, chanting Mordin’s name. For a few minutes, the chanting changes to his name; then back to mine.

 

I pound my fist into the podium. “The Council tried, and failed, to keep the genophage cure from those it could help! And now, they try again with another cure, keeping it from those it can help!” In the back of the crowd, I can see drell overpowering the MPs, breaking through their lines and into the crowd proper. “So many drell gave their _lives_ to help us defeat the Reapers! And the Council tightens its grip on their throats, saying they must pay even more simply to _live_!” I raise my head defiantly. “We can start repaying our debt to them by letting them live! Let’s cure Kepral’s Syndrome! Now!”

 

The drell start in with a chant of “Cure Kepral’s now!” and the entire crowd soon follows suit, myself included. I take down the barrier, but as Tevos reaches for the microphone a third time, I jump down into the crowd, pumping my fist in time with the chanting. I turn, and with several drell at my side, stare right at the Council, their mouths hanging open in amazement. “Cure Kepral’s now!”

 

 


	17. Spectres In The Dark

**November 17, 21:00**

 

“Have you lost your mind?!” my mother shrieks at me. Her hair is falling out of its usual bun, and her eyes are on fire. “Really, Josslyn, have you lost what’s left of your damn mind?!”

 

I take another swig of scotch, my eyes glancing over her before returning to the blank television screen. “You’re overreacting.” I take another sip, a little spilling on my dress uniform.

 

“I don’t think you understand how much trouble you’re in!”

 

“No, I just don’t give a shit.” I shrug. “I’d say try and guilt-trip me in the morning, but I doubt I’ll give a shit when I’m sober, either.”

 

“If Hackett doesn’t discharge you for that, he’s…”

 

I hear the door hiss open, and the sound of hurried footsteps. “Joss!” Kolyat’s voice rings out. “That was amaze…” He stops as my mother glares at him. “Uh, oops?”

 

“You think this is funny?!” she shrieks at him.

 

“Oh, sure, Mom, scream at the kid. That’ll do _lots_ of good.”

 

She turns back to me. “You’re not in  _enough_ trouble already, you’re going to yell at me?”

 

I stick my tongue out at her and dissolve into giggles.

 

“ _Josslyn Joanna Shepard, I swear to the Maker…!_ ”

 

The giggles stop, and I growl at her. “Your precious  _Maker_ can fuck right off.” Even Kolyat’s jaw drops. “Your  _Maker_ took the love of my life from me, took my father from me, took good friends from me!” I’m on my feet now. “Your  _Maker_ allowed the creation of the Reapers in the first place! Your  _Maker_ can  _fuck off!_ ” I throw the glass—still half full—onto the floor, shattering it, and I storm out the front door into the hallway. A quick elevator ride, and I’m out in the chilly November night.

 

I walk the several blocks to the pub in silence, though some people on the street wave at me and call my name. As I come up on the door, the krogan bouncer sees me and waves me to the front of the line. A few people start to complain, but when they see it’s me, they cheer instead. “Shepard,” the bouncer says, shaking my hand. “Ral Milak. You got a quad on ya.”

 

I smile. “So I’ve been told.”

 

“Was hoping you’d come back. Wanted to thank you.” He smiles. “Expecting my first child shortly.”

 

“Congratulations!”

 

“Thanks.” He shakes his head. “Still would rather be off shooting stuff, but this is a decent job.” He opens the door for me. “Have fun in there.” I walk through with a nod to him.

 

The breeze from the door attracts stares, and everyone who sees me immediately shouts my name. “Shepard!” Aethyta waves me over. “What can I get ya?”

 

“Weeping Heart.”

 

“You got it,” she says, picking up bottles and a glass. “You know, anyone else pulling that crap probably woulda been locked up.”

 

“Yeah,” I say, rubbing the back of my neck. “I’m still expecting MPs to grab me at any moment.”

 

“Well, not in here they won’t. We don’t let ‘em in.” She smiles and hands me the drink. “They got their own bar down the street they can go to.”

 

As I’m about to speak again, a female turian sidles up to Aethyta. “You’re Shepard,” she says, extending her hand to me. “Manitana Octavirian. This is my pub.”

 

I shake her hand, starting to feel a bit self-conscious.  _Damn, I’m a celebrity. I kind of hate this…_ “Glad to meet you.”

 

“Honestly, Shepard, you’re amazing.” Her eyes light up. “And what you did this afternoon was inspiring.”

 

“Uh…really?” I rub the back of my neck again. “I’m not sure I was conscious when I was saying it, actually.”

 

She and Aethyta laugh. “It was great, Shepard,” Manitana says. “The faces of the Councilors and the Alliance brass when you joined the crowd were just perfect. And you’re the perfect person to hold their feet to the fire. Everyone loves you and would follow you into hell.” I try to pay—trying to exit the conversation gracefully—but she waves my hand away. “On the house, Shepard.”

 

I smile, taking a sip. “Thanks.”

 

Aethyta motions toward a booth behind me. “Liara’s here, if you wanna go talk to her. She asked me to keep an eye out for you.”

 

I turn, and see Liara sitting with Alinu Kees. They wave at me, and I start over toward them. “I was hoping you’d show up, Shepard,” Liara says softly, shifting over in her seat so I can sit. “Are you okay?”

 

“Not really.” I take a sip of my drink, stalling for time. “Had a fight with Mom. She’s pretty pissed about this afternoon.”

 

“I’d imagine,” Alinu says, smiling. “That was incredible, what you did. And I’m glad it wasn’t just focused on my people.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes.” She takes my hand. “Because a lot of those that helped defeat the Reapers need help, and the Council is trying, but falling short very often. The batarians and the elcor are near extinct; if they cannot return to their homeworlds, they _will_ die. The Council, so far, hasn’t done nearly enough to help them return to their worlds. My people and the hanar have lost their world outright. We must find a new home. But what will work for the hanar will still kill my people if the cure is kept from us.”

 

I nod.  _This is starting to sound like I’m the leader of some cult. Jeez._ Liara’s staring at me, and I look at her. “What?”

 

“You’re really not okay, are you?” After a moment, I shake my head. She turns to Alinu. “Would you give us some time, Ali?”

 

“Sure,” she says, squeezing my hand once, and then grabbing her drink and leaving.

 

I move over to the now-empty seat. “I kind of really hate this,” I mutter. “I’m a celebrity. I’m… I can’t… it doesn’t feel right.” I take a long swig of my drink. I can feel the gin and scotch converging in my bloodstream.

 

“Are you drunk, Shepard?”

 

“Li’l bit.”

 

She grabs my hand as I go to take another drink. “Perhaps you should stop.”

 

_Maybe she’s right_ . I wait for a voice – any sign – but nothing comes. I try to hide the tears welling up, but I know her sharp eyes have already caught them. I start to shake.

 

“Shepard?”

 

“I…” I take a long, shaky drink. “I can’t hear him anymore, Liara.”

 

There’s silence between us a moment. “I don’t think I follow you.”

 

“Thane. I…I can’t remember his voice. It’s faded away.” I push at my eyes to try and stop the tears, but I only make it worse. “My memory’s failing me, little by little.”

 

“I thought you had an eidetic memory?”

 

I nod. “But not to the same extent that drell do. Humans aren’t so…blessed. Or cursed. Thane had hoped that would dull the pain of his death, but that…” I inhale sharply, but I need to say nothing. Liara was with me. She knows. “I’m sorry. I’ll stop.”

 

“It’s all right.” She sips her own drink; asari wine, I imagine, from the color of the liquid. “I thought Kolyat had given you messages from Thane?”

 

“He did.” I take a gulp of gin. “But I... I left them on the Normandy. They've probably been archived, or worse, wiped completely.” She opens her mouth to speak, but a glance over my shoulder and she stops. “What?”

 

“I've been looking for you, Shepard.” Kaidan's voice cuts through the noise of the crowd like a knife. He walks up to our table, putting his hands down on the edge and leaning in. "I wanted to talk to you."

 

"Funny," I say coolly, turning away from him and taking a swig of my drink. "I was hoping you'd take my hint from earlier."

 

He slams one hand on the table. "Dammit, what is your problem?! I'm on your side here..."

 

My head snaps toward him as I slam my glass on the table, a tiny bit sloshing out. "Are you?!" I stare for a moment, my blood boiling. "It certainly hasn't seemed like it lately!"

 

"Shepard..." Liara says softly.

 

"Are you serious?" Kaidan says. "I've  _always_ been on your side, Josslyn!  _Always!_ "

 

" _Bullshit!_ " I stand up, facing him. Some of the crowd around us goes quiet. "What about the Collectors, hmm? I needed your help. I  _asked_ you, practically  _begged_ you to join me when you were on Horizon! You  _blew me off_ , Kaidan!"

 

"I wasn't about to turn my back on the Alliance..."

 

My hands are shaking. "But turning your back on  _me_ , that was fine?!"

 

"I didn't..."

 

"You did!"

 

He takes a breath, one hand drifting to his head. "Let me finish. I didn't want to throw away my career for  _Cerberus_ , Shepard..."

 

I grab the edge of the table to keep from decking him in the mouth. "You think I  _did_ ? I did what I  _had_ to, Kaidan. You  _know that!_ The Alliance wasn't doing  _jack_ to stop the Collectors. They sent you out there as  _bait_ so they'd attack Horizon and draw me out!"

 

"That's bullshit."

 

I snort. "You think they just forgot to load you onto their ship, then? Like they would have passed up a human..."

 

"Shepard, this isn't about Horizon." His tone could cause frostbite if my veins weren't already running cold. "What happened there is... it's history. This is about  _you_ , here and now."

 

"So you're, what? Trying to  _save_ me from myself, Kaidan?"

 

"You've been acting like someone totally different. Like you're...like you're trying to  _impress_ someone."

 

My blood starts another slow boil, and I struggle to keep my biotics from flaring. "Excuse me? I'm not trying to impress anyone. I'm doing what's  _right_ . Like I  _always have_ ."

 

"Yeah, well, that's not how it looks. And I just don't want to see your career go down the drain because you're trying to impress a  _dead man!_ "

 

Liara's jaw drops wide. "Kaidan!"

 

I'm stunned.  _He...he didn't really just say that._ I pick my glass up from the table, and with a deft flick of my wrist, I calmly toss what remains in his face. "At least use his name, you coward. It's Thane Krios." I can feel tears starting to fall, and don't try to hide them a bit. Without another word to him or Liara, I turn and walk out of the bar.

 

Instead of starting for my apartment, I find myself wandering aimlessly down side streets. I'm tired of people. I'm tired of being compared to my wartime self.  _I don't want to be that person ever again. So single-minded, ready to take down a giant threat... I don't want to go back to that. Ever._

 

Mostly though... I'm tired of being told I'm doing the wrong thing. Especially by people who are too afraid to do it themselves.

 

I sink down onto a bench in a deserted park, dropping my head into my hands. After a moment, there's a voice in my ear. "What the hell is wrong with Alenko, skipper?"

 

I turn to the voice...and I'm stunned. "A...Ash?"

 

"Surprised to see me?" She smiles.

 

"Uh...yes, actually."

 

She shakes her head. "That was a low blow, especially from him. I'm surprised you didn't pop him in the mouth."

 

"Came close." A giggle escapes. "If he'd said anything with 'all due respect,' I don't think I would've been able to hold back."

 

She joins in the laughter. "I'll bet it crossed his mind, though!" After a moment, our laughter subsides. "You should probably go home, Shepard. Your mom's probably wondering where you went."

 

I shake my head. "I don't care."

 

"Yeah, you do. You don't want to, but you do."

 

I sigh. "You're right." I stand up, wobbling a bit on my unsteady feet. "I think I'm drunk."

 

From behind me, I hear "I still do not comprehend the organic fascination with self-poisoning. Alcohol is toxic to most carbon-based organics."

 

"Shepard's cybernetic implants neutralize most toxins. Fortunate."

 

I turn and see Legion and Mordin, both staring at me. "I'm going nuts," I mutter.

 

"Altered mental state possible side-effect of alcohol. No reason to fear mental incapacity."

 

"...So are you all real or am I just drunk-wishing you were here?"

 

"Which would you rather it be, skipper?"

 

I close my eyes, wait a moment, then open them, but Thane doesn't appear. "Well I'm gonna guess real, since someone's missing from the reunion." I look at each of them in turn. "Will you walk me home, gang?"

 

"Glad to, Shepard," Mordin says. Without another word, I start toward home, the three of them in lockstep with me, shoulder-to-shoulder.

 

I catch myself humming after a moment. I glance at my omni-tool's watch: just after midnight.  _Fuck it._ I hum a bit louder, getting the right key and melody, before launching headlong into song.

 

_"The minstrel boy to the war has gone  
In the ranks of death you will find him;_

_His father’s sword he hath girded on,_

_And his wild harp slung behind him._

_'Land of Song!' said the warrior bard_

_'Tho’ all the world betrays thee,_

_One sword, at least, thy rights shall guard_

_One faithful harp shall praise thee!'"_

 

Beside me, I hear Mordin and Ash join in for the second verse.

 

_"The Minstrel fell! But the foeman's chain_

_Could not bring that proud soul under;_

_The harp he loved ne'er spoke again,_

_For he tore its chords asunder;_

_And said 'No chains shall sully thee,_

_Thou soul of love and bravery!_

_Thy songs were made for the pure and free_

_They shall never sound in slavery!'"_

 

I'm attracting stares, people even leaning out their windows to see me. Some look like they're about to yell, but spot that it's  _Commander Shepard_ and I guess decide better of it. I wonder how we look – two humans, a salarian, and a geth, all "marching" in a row and singing. We're finishing the fourth time through when I reach the front door of my building. I take a breath, open the door, and almost glide to the elevator, starting the first verse once more. The ride is so long, I'm starting the verse over as the doors open on my level. Loudly finishing, I unlock the door and walk into the apartment.

 

My mother's standing in the kitchen doorway. "Where have you been? I've been worried."

 

As I'm about to answer, I spot Kaidan behind her. "You rat bastard," I half-whisper, narrowing my eyes at him.

 

"Shepard..."

 

I look behind me, hoping against hope that Ash is ready to kick his ass...but they've all disappeared. Kaidan says something, but I've stopped paying attention; there are tears in my eyes as I realize my friends were never really there in the first place.

 

I whip around and, trying to hide the tears, begin the song anew, walking to my room as I do. As I reach my door, my voice falters; there's a box sitting on my bed, a small datapad on top. I sit on the edge of the bed, reading the note.

 

_Cmdr. Josslyn J. Shepard,  
This data drive contains the personal correspondance and journals of Thane Krios, written and recorded during his assignment to the Normandy SR-2 and subsequent residence on the Citadel. The Shadow Broker, through numerous contacts, has collected them to this single drive for your convenience. Should you misplace, damage, or otherwise lose the collection, the Shadow Broker has kept a copy; all you need do is ask for another._

_Regards,_

_Feron Sherukeel_

 

"Kaidan tried to tell you," my mother's voice floats in from the doorway. "Feron gave it to him tonight, asked him to bring it to you."

 

I'm quiet a moment, stroking the box absentmindedly. "Mom? You still have the keys to the house in New Hampshire?"

 

"...Yes, why?"

 

I look at her, my eyes overflowing. "I can't stay here."

 

"Joss..."

 

"No, I mean I... I can't get better here. There's too many...reminders." My voice is thick, but clearing my throat doesn't work. "I saw Ash, Mordin, and Legion tonight. Clearly. They walked me home."

 

"Oh, Joss." She sits next to me, stroking my hair. "Are you sure?"

 

I nod. "If I stay here, it'll just get worse. I need time."

 

She kisses my cheek. "You should tell your friends..."

 

"I can't. They wouldn't understand. They'd want me to stay." I look at her, wiping my tears on my sleeve. "You can tell them after I leave, if you want."

 

"All right." She stands to leave. "There's a military transport leaving tomorrow morning for Boston. That still leaves you a few hours' travel, but I'll make sure there's a driver ready and willing to drive you."

 

"Thanks, Mom."

 

* * *

As I finish cramming things in my duffel, I eye the drive. I'm not sure I want to take it with me...but I'm not sure I want to leave it behind, either. I glance at the clock; almost time to leave for the spaceport. Erring on the side of "better safe than sorry," I place the drive carefully into my duffel and zip it up. At least if I want it, I'll have it.

 

I put my bag next to the stairs, and quietly peek into Kolyat's room. He's fast asleep, and though knowing he's a heavy sleeper, I still tiptoe closer. I put the note I've written for him on his bedside table, and lean down to kiss his forehead. "See you later, kid."

 

I descend the stairs as quietly as possible. Mom's not awake either, and I don't want any fuss, so I opt to leave her be. She's too light a sleeper for me to sneak in. I take one last look at the apartment, then exit.

 

The walk to the spaceport is quiet; the city's not up and bustling yet. The transport is boarding when I arrive. There's little fuss over me, and I'm thankful for it. I take a seat in the back, staring out the window, hoping I'll be left alone.

 

I barely notice when a young officer sits beside me. "You...you're Commander Shepard, right?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Wow!" He starts talking a mile a minute at me. I glance at his shoulders and nameplate. Lieutenant Colby.

 

My own personal Hell. Lovely.

 


	18. Homecoming

**November 18, 2187; Boston, MA, UNAS -- 10:30 Local (UNAS Eastern)**

 

I've managed to drown out the over-zealous lieutenant for the last three hours with my omni-tool's “private music” feature – and I'm thankful I'm the only one who can hear what's playing. I've endured enough jokes from my own crew about my musical tastes. I don't need to hear it from this bunch of rookies, too.

 

As soon as we've touched down at Logan Spaceport, and been given the all-clear to depart, I grab my duffel and sidle past the young officer – who is _still talking_ despite my clear inattention – and nearly sprint to the front, leaving the shuttle as fast as I possibly can. Once clear of the crowd, I disable the music, listening and looking for my driver. Within seconds, I spot a familiar face – my cousin Peter. He waves me over. “Heya, JJ. Ready to go?”

 

“You pull all the shit duty, don't you?”

 

He smiles. “I'm headed home for a two-week furlough. I offered to drive you since we're both headed the same place. Took the 'honor' from a cocky little corporal.” He grabs my duffel, shouldering it. “Let me carry this for...”

 

“I can carry it, Pete.”

 

“Will you let me be nice?” He spots my expression; anxious and watching his hand intently to make sure he doesn't drop my bag. “I'll be careful, JJ. Jeez, give me a little credit.” He starts to walk toward the exit. I follow him after a moment. I keep my head down, but I can still tell I'm attracting stares. Thankfully, the car isn't too far away. Peter lays my bag in the backseat, next to his own gear, and we climb in. “So,” he says, starting the car and pulling out of the parking space, “how's your mom?”

 

I close my eyes for a moment. “Can we not with the crappy small talk? Mom's fine, you already know that.”

 

“Sorry,” he mutters. We're silent as he accelerates onto the road. After a few miles, he coughs. “Okay, what's the problem?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“You're grouchy, you're quiet, and you're _here_ , of all places.” He glances at me. “I'd have thought the Council would have you doing Spectre stuff. Or the Alliance brass would have you on some assignment. Or you'd be in the brig with what happened at the memorial. But you're _here_. So obviously, something's going on.”

 

I sigh. “I'm on temporary medical leave, Pete.”

 

“Still recovering from the coma?”

 

“No.” I look out the window at the trees whipping by. “PTSD.”

 

He says nothing for a moment. “Damn, JJ. But then, after everything, it's kind of understandable. Anything I can do to help?”

 

“Yeah,” I mumble, turning back. “Just don't remind me about anything after Eden Prime and before London.”

 

“So...ignore three years of your life?” He nods. “Got it.”

 

“Just for right now, Pete. I'm here to get better, not wallow in self-pity and old memories.”

 

There's silence a few minutes. “So does that include your, uh...guy friend?”

 

I stare at him. “Guy friend?”

 

“Uh...” His cheeks are flushing. “The one I stood honor guard for? Thane?”

 

“Oh! No, no, he's okay. I just... The people, I don't mind talking about. It's the events I don't want to remember.” I adjust in my seat. “You know, I never got to thank you for that.”

 

He waves his hand. “No need. I was glad your mom asked me.”

 

“She did?”

 

He nods, smiling. “She thought it would be 'comforting' to have a familiar face or two in the honor guard. I'm just sorry Dad couldn't be there, too.”

 

I chuckle. “Little beneath his pay grade, isn't it? Man's a captain, after all.”

 

“Was,” Peter says shortly.

 

“What?”

 

“ _Was_ a captain.”

 

“What do you...” Then it hits me. “Oh, gods. How?”

 

“His ship went down to a Reaper. Like so many others. They saw a crippled turian ship, and Dad ordered them to take the fire off it. That let the turians get away and saved the lives of at least half their crew.” I see him try to hide a tear. “At least he died a hero.”

 

“I didn't know, Peter. I'm sorry.” _Damn it_.

 

“That's all right, JJ. I thought you knew, to be honest. I'd figured someone had told you by now.”

 

“I suppose Mom thought I didn't need any more grief.” I look out the window again, biting my lower lip.

 

The silence hangs thick in the car. As much as I want to talk, I know only one of two things will happen: either I will space out and ignore whatever Peter's talking about, or I will turn it to myself, selfishly hogging the conversation with events and names Peter won't understand. Neither are ideal.

 

I come to when I notice a familiar sight. The lower barracks of the Alliance Navy Preparatory Center in Manchester – they can be seen clearly as we whip by on 93. I have some very fond memories of that place – an overly-strict DI notwithstanding.

 

I decide to break the silence. “What's our ETA?”

 

There's a quiet sigh. “I'm off-duty. We're not doing the whole military bull.”

 

I turn to him. I want to remind him how our own dads would use that phrase constantly – but immediately think better of it. “Sorry, Pete. I'm used to asking like that. That's all.”

 

“Sorry, JJ.” He checks the car's clock. “About ninety minutes.”

 

I gaze out the window again, watching the city speed by, soon replaced by trees. So much of this state is still undeveloped, pristine land – though it is difficult to make a mountain into a metropolis, I'll admit.

 

Speaking of mountains... “Pete? You feel like hiking up the mountain?”

 

“Which one?”

 

I turn to him again, incredulous. “You _really_ have to ask?”

 

“Washington?” I nod. “Are you out of your mind? I'm never hiking that bastard again!”

 

“Coward,” I mutter, smiling.

 

“If being not a coward means hiking it in the _winter_ , then yes, every time.”

 

“It's much more fun that way.”

 

He glares at me a moment. “You realize there's much more possibility of dying in the winter, right? Especially if you lose the trail. They don't put those memorial markers up there for fun, JJ.”

 

“What's the point in living without a little risk, Peter?”

 

“Risk in combat? Sure, that's expected. Risk on furlough? Fuck that.” He pauses. “You really intend to hike it, don't you?”

 

I nod. “Whether or not someone goes with me, I'm going up to the summit. The _actual_ summit, not that pansy-ass observation deck.”

 

“You haven't hiked it since before you went off to ANPC. And correct me if I'm wrong, but you've done a total of exactly _zero_ winter hikes.”

 

I shrug. “There's a first time for everything.”

 

He sighs. “Why can't you just relax or something? Chill out instead of running from shit.” There's silence for a few minutes. “If you're so damned determined to make it to the summit, why not take the Cog? You can relax on the way up and down, and still get a 'hike' in, since you do have to climb that pile of rocks they call a summit.”

 

“I already checked the schedule on the way to Boston. Cog's closed for the season, but the Base Station is still open for hikers.”

 

I hear a _sotto voce_ curse. “Don't lie to me; you suck at it. It's open till the end of the month.”

 

“Why are you so fucking determined to discourage me from this?”

 

“Because your mom also asked me to make sure you didn't _fucking die_!”

 

I stare at him, wide-eyed, for a moment. _She still doesn't fucking trust me._ “You think...you really, honestly think...”

 

“I'm not calling you a shitty pathfinder, JJ. Far from it.” His tone is even, measured. “But the last time you hiked that mountain, you were eighteen. Your memory isn't perfect, despite what you think and claim. And you've never done a hike in the winter. I'm almost certain the landscape's changed since you last went up. And the perils are much more difficult to see when they're covered in ice and snow, not to mention scale.” He coughed. “Even I haven't done a winter hike on Washington. It's a treacherous enough climb in the summer. You have to pay attention to the cairns for your trail, and God help you if you fuck up. I can't imagine doing it in winter. And alone, to boot.” He gives me a long enough look that I worry about him keeping his eyes on the road. “You're not hiking the mountain, Josslyn. Tell me you won't do something so stupid.”

 

I narrow my eyes. “Is that an order?”

 

“Yes. You're not hiking the mountain, and that's an order, _Commander.”_ He spits the final word; it's almost cruel. “Either acknowledge it or I'll call your mother and make _her_ make you follow it.”

 

 _Call my mother...what am I, five?_ “Fine.”

 

“I didn't hear an acknowledgment...”

 

“Aye-aye!” I say sarcastically. I whip my head around to look out the window again. “Fucker.”

 

* * *

**Carroll, NH, UNAS -- 01:45 Local (UNAS Eastern)**

 

I slam the car door, and Peter peels away, leaving me at the end of the driveway. We spent the remainder of the ride in uncomfortable, angry silence. I'm still pissed at him pulling rank on me.

 

As I walk up the driveway, duffel slung over my shoulder, a thought occurs to me. _I'm a Spectre. That supersedes Alliance authority. He can't pull rank on a superior._ I smile.

 

I pull the key to the door from my pocket. It's a tiny thing; brass, older than I can believe for something so frail. I slip it into the lock, turn, and open the door.

 

This house is old; it's stood for almost 160 years. I'm surprised it survived the Reapers, but then, this town isn't exactly Boston, London, or Vancouver. I close and lock the door behind me, taking in the surroundings. A small sitting area is to my left; two chairs and a couch arranged around a television. Behind that is a desk, an older computer terminal on top. Next to the desk, an upright piano. There's a kitchen through a doorway, and the master bedroom through a door to my right. Between the two doors is a staircase; I glance up it, to what was my bedroom in my youth.

 

After a tense moment – I'm not sure why – I scale the stairs, two at a time. I stop again at the doorway, staring around the room.

 

A similarly-old computer terminal to the one downstairs sits on top of a cheap pasteboard desk, covered with foil stickers. Across from it is a bed; the purple-striped sheets and matching pillowcases look freshly laundered. There are articles and posters papering the walls. Most extol the exploits of an asari dancer called Baellux Cadri; my teenage roll model. Not content with teaching asari to dance, as most of them became “exotic” dancers, she decided to open a dance school and teach as many pupils as she could every type of dance, including human ballet. My own teacher had been a pupil of hers and took her teachings to heart.

 

I put my duffel on the bed, unzipping it and grabbing the data drive. I put the drive on the desk – covering a sticker of a dancer doing a pirouette – and walk back downstairs into the kitchen. There's a note stuck to the refrigerator.

 

_Your mom called last night and told me you were coming, so I went shopping this morning and stocked up some essentials for you! Call if you need anything else, sweetie! -Aunt Mags_

 

Before I can open the fridge to see what she got, my omni-tool beeps. I check it; it's a voicemail from Kolyat. _Oh shit, what happened?_ I dial up the message.

 

“ _Joss! I... Did I do something wrong? I thought you were getting better... I...”_ I hear a soft sob. _“If it's something I did, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... I don't even know. Just... Please promise you're coming back. Please...”_ He trails off, sobbing, and the message ends seconds later.

 

My heart drops into my stomach. His sobs ring in my ears. Suddenly, hiking up Mount Washington in November weather doesn't seem such a good idea, and I start to wonder why I would ever have thought it was.

 

_Freezing to death on the side of a mountain? No one could claim 'suicide' if it happened on a hike, right? Hell, they wouldn't even discover your body for days, maybe weeks, depending on the trail. Suicide via mountain, you idiot. That's why you want to go on a hike._

 

I can't even deny it. Peter saw right through me. I lose all semblance of appetite and wander into the sitting area, collapsing into one of the armchairs. Suicide via mountain hike... Is that why I thought about coming back here? To be alone when I...

 

 _No. You know you can't do that to your step-son. Or your friends. Or your_ mother _, you heartless monster._

 

True. And then I stop. When did I start referring to Kolyat as my “step-son,” exactly?

 

_Oh, give it up. He is, isn't he? Doesn't matter if you married the man or not. You know that. Why else did you take the kid into your home?_

 

My omni-tool beeps again. Another voicemail, from Kaidan this time. And then another; Garrus. They keep coming, one after another, now: Miranda, Jack, Joker, even one each from Chakwas and Hackett.

 

I sigh. Mom must have told them where I went. Where do I begin listening? I think a moment, then decide to go in order.

 

First Kaidan's message. _“Shepard, look, if...if this is about last night, I'm sorry. I was an ass and Liara set me straight after you left the bar. I didn't get a chance to tell you, but... I sat down afterwards and thought about what you did at the memorial, and...you're brave, Josslyn. Far braver than I am. I'm sorry I ever doubted you. If you need help holding the Council's feet to the fire about this cure thing, I've got your back. Please get better soon.”_

 

I feel a tear form. Now _that's_ the Kaidan Alenko I remember.

 

Garrus. _“Uh...I hope you feel better, Shepard, but if you need anything shot, call me. Well, anything you can't handle, like if a bottle attacks or something.”_

 

Miranda. _“You...you can't be thinking what I think you are, Shepard. I will move the cosmos to bring you back_ again _and kick your ass if you do anything stupid. I still have the files, after all. Just remember that.”_

 

Jack. _“You better not kill yourself, you fucker. Or I'll kick your ass.”_

 

Joker. _“Uh, Commander? Just...feel better, Shepard. And be safe.”_

 

Chakwas. _“Shepard, I understand that you need some time alone. I think it may do you some good. Regardless, when you return, I need to schedule a physical for you before I sign off on your return to active duty. Contact me when you arrive back in London, please. And remember to take your meds.”_

 

After a long moment filled with dread staring at it, I open Hackett's message. _“Shepard. By now I'll assume you've landed in Boston and have met up with Commander Peter Shepard. I can't raise either of you. I will keep this brief. While you are on medical leave, you still represent the Alliance Navy. You're still an icon. People look up to you. Try to remember that when interacting with the civilians. And get well soon, Commander. We need you.”_

 

Compassion from Hackett? That's rare. I sigh. Of course Chakwas would remind me to take my meds. Of course she would. Unluckily for her, I haven't brought them. I expect a chewing out from either her or Mom at some point over that decision. I'm sick of being medicated, especially when they aren't working.

 

The omni-tool beeps again. I look at the sender: Oriana Lawson. Intrigued, I play it. _“I don't know you as well as some of the others here, Commander, but there is something I have to say. Kolyat is...'devastated' might be a good word for it. He thinks you've abandoned him. If you don't answer anyone else, please at least make some effort to call him and assure him that you haven't. Because if you don't come back, and you really do break his heart, I will have Miri find you and...I don't really know. I'm not good at threats. But you'd best not break the heart of the man I care about. He's had enough grief in his life.”_

 

I check the clock; barely three in the afternoon. With the time difference, though, I know it's rounding eight in London. There's nothing for it. I dial up Kolyat.

 

It barely has time to ring once before he's connected. “Joss?!” There are obvious tear stains on his cheeks.

 

I try to eke out a smile, but it's tough. “Hiya, kid.”

 

“Did you get my message?”

 

“I did. And everyone else's.” I watch as another tear topples down his face. “Are you... Are you okay?”

 

“No. You left. Why?” He tries to wipe away the tears. “What did I do?”

 

“Kolyat...this isn't anything you did or didn't do. I just...”

 

“That's what my father said, and I didn't believe him either.”

 

My heart skips a beat. I pinch the bridge of my nose with my free hand. “Please don't go there.”

 

“Why not? You both left. You both _abandoned_ me.”

 

“Kolyat...” I gulp. “There are too many memories in London. I just need some time, somewhere where there aren't constant reminders of the people I've lost. I promise I haven't abandoned you. I promise I'll come back.”

 

“When?”

 

“I...” I shrug. “I don't know. When I'm better.”

 

“If you can't tell me when, how am I supposed to trust that you'll actually come back?”

 

I can feel anger rising in me, but I do my best not to show it. “Because I can't tell you when my mind will be healed. That's not something that has a date stamped on it. I would if I could, believe me. I'd love to be able to know when I'll feel better.”

 

“Joss...”

 

“Kolyat, you're what, twenty now? You're not a child anymore. So stop acting like one, please. I will come back when I'm ready. You have to trust me on that.”

 

One tear falls, then two. His lower lip trembles. “I just feel like I did something wrong.”

 

“You didn't. Far from it, actually. You've been a wonderful help to me. But...” I sigh. “When I start to see ghosts of the dead, I need to get away from the place that's reminding me of them.”

 

His eyes widen, but he says nothing. After a moment, he nods. “I understand.”

 

“I will _never_ abandon you. I wouldn't do that to you. And your father would never forgive me if I did.” I think for a moment, then smile. “If it would help, I could let you visit in a few weeks...?”

 

He nods. “It would help. But why a few weeks?”

 

“It'll give me time to start healing, and there's a human holiday that Mom celebrates coming up at the end of December. I'm sure she'll want to come visit. I'll have her bring you along, if you want.”

 

He looks pensive a moment. “I wouldn't want to interrupt a family holiday.”

 

“And just exactly what do you think _you_ are? You're family.”

 

“I... I am?”

 

I nod slowly, the words feeling almost foreign to say. But say them I will. “You...you're my step-son, Kolyat. You're family to me.”

 

“Step...step-son...” He blinks rapidly. “Really? You...but you never...”

 

“It doesn't matter.” I hold up my hand, the ring catching the sun from outside and glittering. “I know now what he was planning. You're family.”

 

He grins, though it's shaky and teary. “Joss, I...thank you. That means a lot.”

 

“I love you, kiddo. I mean that.”

 

“I know. I...” He falters momentarily, but it seems he can't say it.

 

“That's all right. I know what you wanna say.” I smile. “I should go eat something. You gonna be all right now?”

 

“Yes. Thank you, Joss. I feel much better.” He waves. “Be safe, please?”

 

“I will if you will.” He nods. “I'll talk to you later, all right? Be good.” I end the call, sitting back, emotionally spent.

 

I'm not even hungry. What I am is exhausted. I heave myself out of the chair, doggedly climbing the stairs. I stare into the room for a moment, then pull the desk chair out and sit down. With a lazy hand, I boot up the computer. But I've forgotten how old it is; it takes almost a minute to fully boot. I sigh. _Crappy tech._ I wait another minute, then try plugging the data drive in. There's the ding of an error. I try again; another ding. And another.

 

I smack the computer. “Fucking Windows 42, piece of shit!” I decide to try one last time. I plug it in again, and miraculously, there's no error. _Loading drivers...please wait._ 0%. Slowly, it climbs to...5%.

 

“Oh, fuck you, you...” I trail off. It's a computer. It can't hear me cursing at it. I get up and go to my duffel again, rummaging around. After a short search, I pull out a silver picture frame; a photo of Thane and I is inside. We're both grinning, though I have my tongue sticking out, and he seems to be laughing at me. With a strange reverence, I put it on the nightstand next to the bed.

 

The computer dings; an “installation complete” noise this time. I glance back; the drive is open and waiting for a command. A long list of files is displayed, but there appear to be so many I can only see a small fraction. The scroll bar looks so tiny. He must have written an entry an hour from the looks of it.

 

My omni-tool beeps. I look; a small text message from Oriana. Just three words: _“Thank you, Commander.”_

 

I can feel my eyelids getting heavy. It's only four o'clock, but I'm spent. Probably “jet lag” or something. I turn away from the computer screen and flop onto the bed, kicking my duffel off. I curl up, not even worrying about sleeping in my clothes or boots. Before I close my eyes, I take a final look at the picture. He looks so happy, so...alive.

 

I'm quiet a moment. The only voice in this house, the only possible specter of the dead, would be my father...but he's been silent a long time. There will be no voices to haunt my dreams. No memories of the Reapers, or those they laid low.

 

I breathe a small sigh. “Good night, Thane.”

 

A slight breeze from a small crack in the window ruffles my hair. I smell...cinnamon and cloves? No...that can't be right. I turn over. An after-scent of honey and lemon lingers in the room.

 

Then...almost as if from outside... _“Good night, siha. Pleasant dreams.”_

 


	19. Losing Balance

**November 19, 2187; Carroll, NH, UNAS -- 13:45**

 

“ _I love you. If all else whispers back into the tide, know this for fact... I will await you across the sea. ”_

 

I sit back in the chair, feeling the tears stinging my eyes again. I can't bring myself to watch the vid messages; the hundred or so text ones were bad enough to go through.

 

Heaving myself out of the chair, I head to the bathroom. After splashing some cold water on my face, I stare at it in the mirror for a few minutes. Obvious dark circles frame gray-blue eyes, still trying to hold some semblance of youth in them. Small wrinkles and scars mar the surface of once-smooth skin. A few gray hairs stand out starkly against their darker brethren. I'm starting to look more like my mother than I'd like to, but I guess that can't be helped. I send up another splash of cold water, then walk back into the bedroom. The terminal's gone back into sleep mode. I hesitate a moment, debating whether or not to sit through the several dozen vid messages.

 

And then I think about his voice. His face. His  _smile_ .

 

...No. I can't take it.

 

I spin on my heel and take the stairs two at a time. The voice terminal in the kitchen is beeping, so I check; a voicemail from Mom.  _“I'm sending your meds by special courier. They'll be there by Thursday. You had better take them. Don't make me come out there early to put my boot up your ass.”_ I delete it, fuming. If they're not working, why should I be taking them?

 

Then one from Peter.  _“If you want to go up on the Cog, text me. We have a few days before they close for the season. My treat.”_

 

His treat. Well why not, then? I text him, telling him tomorrow is good. Not a moment later, he replies.  _Sounds good. I'll reserve seats on the 10:30. E & L will be coming with. Pick you up an hour before._ Great. Just what I need; two perky cousins singing old show-tunes the whole way up and down the mountain.

 

I open the fridge and grab a single bagel, nibbling at the edges for a few minutes. I can't understand where my appetite went; I was starving when I got off the shuttle in Boston, but now... I sigh, putting the bagel on the counter. Maybe some exercise will help.

 

I walk over to a small door, opening it and flicking on the light. The stairs to the basement are just as sparse as I remember; simple metal with small patches of slip-resistant fabric. I descend slowly, wondering if Mom's changed anything. As I hit the last step, I flick on the rest of the lights. I can't see any changes; the floor is still hardwood, the barre and mirrors are still attached where they used to be. A small cupboard sits nestled under the stairs, one door slightly ajar. Several pairs of dance shoes are inside; low-heeled and high-heeled tap shoes, three pairs of high-heeled ballroom dance shoes in various colors, and no less than five pairs of ballet slippers, both pointe and soft shoes.

 

I smile, pulling out a slightly-worn pair of pointe shoes and my “box o' padding” – gel pads, lambswool, tape, and even some quilt batting, all of which are used to pad my toes in the box of the shoe. Perching on a nearby stool, I prepare my feet – and the shoes – and then stand. I roll up on to my toes a few times, testing the fit. These particular shoes had a 17 marked on the inside heels – meaning I haven't worn them since I was 17. I'm almost double that now, but they fit just as well as they did then.

 

There's a small screen on the wall to my right. I bring it to life, and find my old dance playlist queued up and ready. I push the button to start it, then walk over to the barre. I spend the first two songs warming up with barre exercises, barely having to remember what I'm doing – muscle memory is wonderful, sometimes. And it feels great to be using an actual barre – the desk in the CO's cabin wasn't nearly high enough, and it's nearly impossible to do turns on non-slip rubber flooring.

 

With a small pause before the third song, I step into the middle of the floor. As it starts – _“Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy”_ – the muscle memory kicks in again, and without too much thought, I'm finding myself doing pirouettes, fouettés, tour jetés, and everything but the partnered steps from the dance.

 

I pause the music after the song ends, sitting for a minute to rest. _The Nutcracker_ – the first and last professional ballet I danced in. I trained for months to understudy the role of the Sugar Plum Fairy...and then the principal broke her leg the month prior to the opening. The Nutcracker Prince, Keyshawn Haskell, was the nicest guy I'd met. Such strong hands. He never let me fall, even though he fumbled me a couple times in rehearsals.

 

I smile to myself. I wonder what he's up to – if he's even alive.

 

I let the next song play, only half dancing. It's non-traditional ballet anyway. Two more songs fly by while I try to do as many fouettés per song as I can without throwing up; my spotting isn't what it used to be. Then a familiar tune starts. I look at the screen.

 

“ _Beyond the Sea – Bobby Darin”_

 

I rip off a shoe and throw it at the screen, hard, cracking it. The toe box explodes. The music stops and I rip off the other shoe, dropping it to the floor and stomping up the stairs.

 

I wish I'd never heard that phrase.

 


End file.
